I'm so sorry

Hey team, I had a harsh confrontation with reality today.

We've been married for quite some time. Maybe 100 years, sometimes I lose track of those sorts of things. She pulled me aside today and told me that she wanted to talk. I was surprised, because we never sit down and talk about anything anymore; we usually just go our separate ways and nod to one another - we acknowledge each other and still, of course, respect each other, but the bond is just not what it once was.

This was apparently what was on her mind. She told me that she was upset that we never talked and that I was never interested in her or her needs; she felt I was neglecting her, ignoring her, even. I listened carefully. I thought she might have a point, we really never did do anything together anymore. Her only influence on me was the knowledge in the back of my mind that she would still be there, watching over me and watching out for what I did. I thought carefully before I responded.

I told her that she was smothering me. She watches my every move and doesn't let me escape her mighty, iron-fisted rule without harsh retribution. I told her that I needed my space and that she just was not providing that for me anymore. I might have even gone so far as to say that I only needed her for appearance's sake and for my own pleasure - the words were flying too fast for me to even be able to remember. She was upset. She cried. I cried.

We decided that it was time to end it all. We slowed our anger towards one another and calmed down until we could finally reach an agreement. The divorce is going to be finalized in the next few months, but as of now she's completely gone from my life.

But yet, as sad as this may be because of how integral she has been in my life all these years, I feel happy. I feel free. No longer am I continually restricted by her watchful, judgmental eyes. I was free from her wild mood swings, from dementedly cruel to exuberant and pleasant, she was unpredictable and downright scary at times.

After I got over the initial shock of losing her, I decided to go about my business without her. Everything would be different from now on.

I went into my basement and started up my perpetual motion machine. I then discovered a leprechaun living in the black hole about three blocks due south of north from my house and won a bet against him about the Detroit Lions winning a football game. I then proceeded to successfully invest all of my new found wealth in the real estate industry and have retired happily. She hasn't checked back in on me and I feel wonderful.

Ditching that woman was the best decision I ever made.