Hey team so I was sitting with one of my homies and eating dinner, right? We are eating at a fast food establishment of unknown quality and origins and I didn't order all that much because for lunch I had a coupon for two Quiznos sandwiches for the price of one and gobbled down two large ham and Swisses because they were delicious.
So anyway back to my previous example. We are eating and my homie has a lot of food to eat and he is munching his way along and I am munching my way along munch munch munch munch chomp chomp chomp chomp yum yum yum chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp munch yum chomp yum munch chomp repeat. He gets up and says "I'll be right back" with no indication as to where he might be going or what he might be doing.
I finish my food and sit back satisfied as my arteries slowly harden into a greasy muck and start screaming for mercy. "Ow lawdy," they say, "whay you done gone ate that food?" They say. I ignore my arteries.
15 minutes pass. My friend is still not back. Where the hell did he go?
I am perplexed. I get up, throw my food away, and start looking around. He's not in the main dining area, it's just one room and not hard to scan quickly. I go outside. Nope, not in the parking lot. I go inside and check the bathroom. Both stalls are open, one guy is at a urinal. I do my business, then leave. I check the main dining area again.
He's gone! Vanished into thin fucking air. Oh well, no loss.
So I just went on home. I don't know what happened to him. I think I will call the milk company and get his picture up on their cartons.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your goddamn teeth
Hey team so last night I was minding my own business brushing my teeth like I always do because only rapists and serial killers don't brush their teeth. So anyway I was following my usual routine - I squeezed some toothpaste out on the brush, right, then put the brush gingerly down on the counter while I put the cap back on the toothpaste.
FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it while, at the same time, knocking over my toothbrush and getting a big glob of blue watery muck on the counter. Just fantastic. So I clean all of that up and try again.
I did my normal routine again but this time the cap was much too slippery and FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it but forget I am holding a toothbrush and it drops dramatically and horribly to the floor.
"Why did you do that Cavity Goon?" I asked him
"I was trying to destroy Atlantis" he replied
"Oh no I forgot" and then I turned and yelled to my roommate "hey why do we have a magic bathroom floor that seems really inconvenient maybe like a table or something on your desk"
And God replied "whoops my bad bro"
FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it while, at the same time, knocking over my toothbrush and getting a big glob of blue watery muck on the counter. Just fantastic. So I clean all of that up and try again.
I did my normal routine again but this time the cap was much too slippery and FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it but forget I am holding a toothbrush and it drops dramatically and horribly to the floor.
"Why did you do that Cavity Goon?" I asked him
"I was trying to destroy Atlantis" he replied
"Oh no I forgot" and then I turned and yelled to my roommate "hey why do we have a magic bathroom floor that seems really inconvenient maybe like a table or something on your desk"
And God replied "whoops my bad bro"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It is time for the secrets about time travel to come out
Hey team sorry I haven't updated in a week but you must understand I've been busy traveling through time so for me it's been almost 3 years and you would think I would write something during that time but no.
Anyway yes it is time for the secrets to come out. No more conspiracy theories and idiots on youtube giving their suggestions about how it would cause a "paradocks" because you would change things and then they wouldn't be changed in reality but it is or then maybe they'll quote some TV show to show how much they know about time travel. As a certifiable time traveler myself I am the utmost authority on the subject except for J.K. Rowling who very nearly gave away our secrets which is why all the characters had plot convienent amnesia about that stupid hourglass thing because us time travelers gave her a piece of our mind (why we didn't go back and change the book, I'll never know)
But yes back to time travel. We are still not sure what causes it, or, moreinasmuch, why some people have the innate ability to time travel. There is no such thing as a time travel machine, it will never work no matter how many flux capacitors you shove into there. Believe me, we tried and get this - Ikea wouldn't even refund our money.
It's really a pretty pleasant experience to travel through time. It's pretty much exactly like flying in first class on any major airlines, although I suppose that is not a good analogy because you would be too poor to understand it. Think of it this way. It's like you're out working in the field and your boss comes around and sprays you with a hose so you cool down. Wouldn't that just be the best, 1930s era migrant worker?
One of my favorite hobbies as a time traveler is to go back in time and teach people from all periods of time to mix cement and build roads. So far we are doing just okay, but eventually my antics will continue to spawn impassably complex cities filled completely with streets that criss-cross randomly, stop at bizarre locations, or even are up in the air! It'd be like everywhere was Boston.
Most people are wrong about how time travel could impact the present. You can do whatever the hell you want and nothing really gets screwed up. I mean, just last week I took a trip to England in 1066 and punched William of Normandy right in the face. He was so pissed off but I just disappeared back to my present time and nothing had changed other than the fact that both of my parents are now volcanoes.
When you hang around the time-traveler's club, though, they give you Time'b'rite, which is a marvelous spray cleaner that reverses any ill-effects of your fun. It's a simple compound of Lysol and antimatter that really gets the job done. I just sprayed a couple times on my new volcano parents and BOOM the sun exploded. It sometimes takes a couple of tries. So for those of you who were awake last week at 5:32 am I'm sorry I scared you.
The time-traveler's club is a lot like any other really nice exclusive country club. We have our own golf course, but it's pretty pointless since everyone gets a perfect 18 on it every time anyway. We like to take mass trips and show up in strange eras as tourists with ugly pants and fanny packs and cameras taking pictures of all the astounded Greek philosophers and dinosaurs. Unfortunately, this backfired slightly on us when we single-handedly caused the fashion vortex of the 1980s.
We are behind every UFO sighting ever. Bigfoot was simply Andy running across a big, open field and several forested areas with Bigfoot on a leash from when we brought him back as a souvenir (just as a bit of a heads up, don't stay alive longer than 2058 - it's not pretty).
Hmm... I think that about wraps it up. There's really not much more to time travel than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this blog post the same way Bill Nye ended every single one of his shows.
Anyway yes it is time for the secrets to come out. No more conspiracy theories and idiots on youtube giving their suggestions about how it would cause a "paradocks" because you would change things and then they wouldn't be changed in reality but it is or then maybe they'll quote some TV show to show how much they know about time travel. As a certifiable time traveler myself I am the utmost authority on the subject except for J.K. Rowling who very nearly gave away our secrets which is why all the characters had plot convienent amnesia about that stupid hourglass thing because us time travelers gave her a piece of our mind (why we didn't go back and change the book, I'll never know)
But yes back to time travel. We are still not sure what causes it, or, moreinasmuch, why some people have the innate ability to time travel. There is no such thing as a time travel machine, it will never work no matter how many flux capacitors you shove into there. Believe me, we tried and get this - Ikea wouldn't even refund our money.
It's really a pretty pleasant experience to travel through time. It's pretty much exactly like flying in first class on any major airlines, although I suppose that is not a good analogy because you would be too poor to understand it. Think of it this way. It's like you're out working in the field and your boss comes around and sprays you with a hose so you cool down. Wouldn't that just be the best, 1930s era migrant worker?
One of my favorite hobbies as a time traveler is to go back in time and teach people from all periods of time to mix cement and build roads. So far we are doing just okay, but eventually my antics will continue to spawn impassably complex cities filled completely with streets that criss-cross randomly, stop at bizarre locations, or even are up in the air! It'd be like everywhere was Boston.
Most people are wrong about how time travel could impact the present. You can do whatever the hell you want and nothing really gets screwed up. I mean, just last week I took a trip to England in 1066 and punched William of Normandy right in the face. He was so pissed off but I just disappeared back to my present time and nothing had changed other than the fact that both of my parents are now volcanoes.
When you hang around the time-traveler's club, though, they give you Time'b'rite, which is a marvelous spray cleaner that reverses any ill-effects of your fun. It's a simple compound of Lysol and antimatter that really gets the job done. I just sprayed a couple times on my new volcano parents and BOOM the sun exploded. It sometimes takes a couple of tries. So for those of you who were awake last week at 5:32 am I'm sorry I scared you.
The time-traveler's club is a lot like any other really nice exclusive country club. We have our own golf course, but it's pretty pointless since everyone gets a perfect 18 on it every time anyway. We like to take mass trips and show up in strange eras as tourists with ugly pants and fanny packs and cameras taking pictures of all the astounded Greek philosophers and dinosaurs. Unfortunately, this backfired slightly on us when we single-handedly caused the fashion vortex of the 1980s.
We are behind every UFO sighting ever. Bigfoot was simply Andy running across a big, open field and several forested areas with Bigfoot on a leash from when we brought him back as a souvenir (just as a bit of a heads up, don't stay alive longer than 2058 - it's not pretty).
Hmm... I think that about wraps it up. There's really not much more to time travel than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this blog post the same way Bill Nye ended every single one of his shows.
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