"Hold steady men! Ho!" Yelled Captain Sausage aboard the great vessel. They were stopped, finally right where they wanted to be. It would be here that they would rendezvous with the rest of the armada before launching a full scale assault on the taste buds.
The attack would be one of the greatest ever. They had accumulated an unstoppable force of flavor and were floating triumphantly in a sea of gravy so rich that the Captain had to prevent his own men from feasting before the time was ripe.
Finally, over the horizon, they saw them - the great fleet of meats and delicious, rich, juicy flavors were coming to assist them. The metal flier that brought them dipped slightly into the deep, rich gravy and doused the crew in the most beautiful of all rain.
Then, recovering and leaving, the metal flier left and zoomed back to bring even more. But it never returned. Instead of their reassuring metal flier, a white plastic flier came zooming in, dropping in a mess of disgusting, foul, and horrible vegetables.
"PIRATES!" Yelled Captain Sausage, "Evasive action! Abort! Abort!" The metal flier heard them and came back, working frantically to move the meat to higher ground while the rest of the meat scrambled helplessly with the gravy acting as a hindrance now, rather than a blessing.
The vegetables were coming, great white cauliflower barreling down on the fleet with undeniable force and broccoli, its green skull and crossbones flag flying high, raining down on the meat with a barrage of seed cannonballs.
Captain Sausage knew it was all over. Before they knew it, it was all over.
"We're touching!" He yelled, "WE'RE TOUCHING!"
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Hey Team!
Hey team I have been asked several times why I preface almost everything I say with "hey team" and I suppose it is time I give a full and honest answer. In short, of course, it is because I feel that everyone is on my team and that we can all get along. Everyone is my teammate through thick and thin rough and smooth hot and cold night and day.
I got this philosophy from my friend and teammate Benjamin Franklin who would famously write "Four score and seven years ago everyone is innocent until proven guilty as long as we name this country after me" and of course most of his speech never really caught on but that middle part became a crucial section of the Boy Scout Pledge. I took this philosophy and decided that everyone is my teammate until proven guilty of some heinous most notably claiming to not be on my team which is pretty much the only offense that will get you booted since loyalty is a pretty big thing with me (the only other offense being not bringing your assigned snack to practices, which is also punishable by death).
This of course leads me to the next big benefit I gain from having everyone on my team. I can pad my resume to hell and back and if I ever go to a job interview I can say "Hey bro I played soccer with you in 10th grade" and he won't remember because he was stoned off his ass all through 10th grade and also how would he remember me it's foolproof.
Then he would reply with something like "I never played soccer in high school and also you're like 40 years older than me" and then I would start crying and he would apologize and console me.
We would then go back to my resume and his eyes would get very large when he noticed that I was best friends with not only Napoleon Bonaparte, William Shakespeare, Montel Williams, James Tiberius Kirk, and the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park, but I knew all of their nicknames ("The French Fury", "Captain PAIN", "Dark Chocolate Nightmare", "Blast from the Past", and "Velociraptor", respectively) and we were voted as the best water polo team on Earth from 1230-1233, and I still have the trophy on my desk to prove it.
Also being on everyone's team is a great way to pick up chicks in the park. I'll just go up to them and mention how we played little league together and remember how silly it was when I missed all the pitches and the coaches eventually had to give me a tee to hit from and I was embarrassed but your mom brought Mondos and we laughed and you might have even been my first crush I can't remember. Then you look at me and smile and wag your tail and wonder why I shake my head and ask myself why I look for girls at the dog park.
People are so much friendlier when you simply pretend that they are your teammates. It is as if summer would never end and I got to enjoy all the great sports out in fields with grass stains and happiness blooming out of everyone and we would never do drills because drills are for losers and with a team this size and with this variety of talent we are unstoppable.
Also since everyone is on my team it is very easy for me to choose the winning side in a competition. You can call me a fair-weather fan if you like, but I'd prefer to call myself a fair-weather player. I'm on the team too!
Now if you excuse me I have to go and party it up with my teammates and we will have a great time and it will be full of brotherhood.
I got this philosophy from my friend and teammate Benjamin Franklin who would famously write "Four score and seven years ago everyone is innocent until proven guilty as long as we name this country after me" and of course most of his speech never really caught on but that middle part became a crucial section of the Boy Scout Pledge. I took this philosophy and decided that everyone is my teammate until proven guilty of some heinous most notably claiming to not be on my team which is pretty much the only offense that will get you booted since loyalty is a pretty big thing with me (the only other offense being not bringing your assigned snack to practices, which is also punishable by death).
This of course leads me to the next big benefit I gain from having everyone on my team. I can pad my resume to hell and back and if I ever go to a job interview I can say "Hey bro I played soccer with you in 10th grade" and he won't remember because he was stoned off his ass all through 10th grade and also how would he remember me it's foolproof.
Then he would reply with something like "I never played soccer in high school and also you're like 40 years older than me" and then I would start crying and he would apologize and console me.
We would then go back to my resume and his eyes would get very large when he noticed that I was best friends with not only Napoleon Bonaparte, William Shakespeare, Montel Williams, James Tiberius Kirk, and the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park, but I knew all of their nicknames ("The French Fury", "Captain PAIN", "Dark Chocolate Nightmare", "Blast from the Past", and "Velociraptor", respectively) and we were voted as the best water polo team on Earth from 1230-1233, and I still have the trophy on my desk to prove it.
Also being on everyone's team is a great way to pick up chicks in the park. I'll just go up to them and mention how we played little league together and remember how silly it was when I missed all the pitches and the coaches eventually had to give me a tee to hit from and I was embarrassed but your mom brought Mondos and we laughed and you might have even been my first crush I can't remember. Then you look at me and smile and wag your tail and wonder why I shake my head and ask myself why I look for girls at the dog park.
People are so much friendlier when you simply pretend that they are your teammates. It is as if summer would never end and I got to enjoy all the great sports out in fields with grass stains and happiness blooming out of everyone and we would never do drills because drills are for losers and with a team this size and with this variety of talent we are unstoppable.
Also since everyone is on my team it is very easy for me to choose the winning side in a competition. You can call me a fair-weather fan if you like, but I'd prefer to call myself a fair-weather player. I'm on the team too!
Now if you excuse me I have to go and party it up with my teammates and we will have a great time and it will be full of brotherhood.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
I'm so sorry again
Hey team reality cracked down on me hard today.
I was walking along, minding my own business and enjoying a beautiful night, gazing up at the brilliant sunshine and watching the magnificent snowflakes tumble down the face of the great jolly giant that walked alongside me. It was a pretty busy time of day, the insects humming along and the starfish lighting up the sea floor like enormous light bulbs.
The land had a mysterious consistency, vibrating slightly with each step and its vibrations brought a pleasing and gentle melody to the air, almost as if the whole world was playing just for me. Enormous fruit hung from almost every tree in the forest, and each gentle gust of wind sent them tumbling merrily along down the hill and careening into a barren wasteland. There, their sparkling finish built a miraculous masterpiece of brilliant blues, gentle greens, and romantic reds, truly a sight to behold; a great work of art witnessed by me and me alone.
I thrust my hands mindlessly into my pockets as I walked, the ground humming along with me and birds swooping around chirping a perfect accompaniment with rainbows of flavor spewing from their mouths. I was happy here, this wonderful place atop the mountain.
Then I saw her. She was sitting properly and orderly at a table, looking like a real woman. She put on airs of legitimacy and gave weight to the room. I came crashing down, sulking into the chair next to her. We were both nervous, but she was composed and ready to bring me down.
She was terse with me. She told me that we could never be romantically involved again, but that I would have to take back the things I said, that I would have to apologize and put everything back to the way it was. I didn't know if I was ready to do that, I was happy with the way things were.
She scowled at me and told me I was wrong to walk away in the first place, that I could have gone so far with her help, that I would be trapped in my dreadful isolation forever.
I was hurt and taken aback. It was time for a real decision; so much was going to be riding on my choice here. I sat and contemplated the options for a long time. She stared intently, looking almost upset, but expectant - maybe, just maybe, she though, I would change.
We continued to avoid each others' gazes. I spoke softly at first.
"I really loved having you around, but I've accomplished so much without you and I'm so happy. I don't want to fix things, ever."
Her eyes widened with rage, her emotions spilling out all over the room like a swarm of horrible locusts. "You are wrong and you know it! You have to fix the mess you created! YOU HAVE TO!"
Her voice rang out across the dim parking garage with such intensity that the reverberations smashed through the concrete structure giving us glimpses of the barren wasteland outside.
And so here we stand, eyes locked, anger and hatred boiling our blood and wrecking our rational minds. I didn't see the fist coming until it was too late. It smashed my nose deep into my face, sending streams of confetti up in the air.
I retaliated, swinging hard and catching her in the side. She crumpled silently to the ground, defeated and weak.
Free at last. Free at last. "Today was a mighty fine day" I said to my friend, the great jolly giant. "Indeed it was" he noted in agreement.
And together we continued our walk.
I was walking along, minding my own business and enjoying a beautiful night, gazing up at the brilliant sunshine and watching the magnificent snowflakes tumble down the face of the great jolly giant that walked alongside me. It was a pretty busy time of day, the insects humming along and the starfish lighting up the sea floor like enormous light bulbs.
The land had a mysterious consistency, vibrating slightly with each step and its vibrations brought a pleasing and gentle melody to the air, almost as if the whole world was playing just for me. Enormous fruit hung from almost every tree in the forest, and each gentle gust of wind sent them tumbling merrily along down the hill and careening into a barren wasteland. There, their sparkling finish built a miraculous masterpiece of brilliant blues, gentle greens, and romantic reds, truly a sight to behold; a great work of art witnessed by me and me alone.
I thrust my hands mindlessly into my pockets as I walked, the ground humming along with me and birds swooping around chirping a perfect accompaniment with rainbows of flavor spewing from their mouths. I was happy here, this wonderful place atop the mountain.
Then I saw her. She was sitting properly and orderly at a table, looking like a real woman. She put on airs of legitimacy and gave weight to the room. I came crashing down, sulking into the chair next to her. We were both nervous, but she was composed and ready to bring me down.
She was terse with me. She told me that we could never be romantically involved again, but that I would have to take back the things I said, that I would have to apologize and put everything back to the way it was. I didn't know if I was ready to do that, I was happy with the way things were.
She scowled at me and told me I was wrong to walk away in the first place, that I could have gone so far with her help, that I would be trapped in my dreadful isolation forever.
I was hurt and taken aback. It was time for a real decision; so much was going to be riding on my choice here. I sat and contemplated the options for a long time. She stared intently, looking almost upset, but expectant - maybe, just maybe, she though, I would change.
We continued to avoid each others' gazes. I spoke softly at first.
"I really loved having you around, but I've accomplished so much without you and I'm so happy. I don't want to fix things, ever."
Her eyes widened with rage, her emotions spilling out all over the room like a swarm of horrible locusts. "You are wrong and you know it! You have to fix the mess you created! YOU HAVE TO!"
Her voice rang out across the dim parking garage with such intensity that the reverberations smashed through the concrete structure giving us glimpses of the barren wasteland outside.
And so here we stand, eyes locked, anger and hatred boiling our blood and wrecking our rational minds. I didn't see the fist coming until it was too late. It smashed my nose deep into my face, sending streams of confetti up in the air.
I retaliated, swinging hard and catching her in the side. She crumpled silently to the ground, defeated and weak.
Free at last. Free at last. "Today was a mighty fine day" I said to my friend, the great jolly giant. "Indeed it was" he noted in agreement.
And together we continued our walk.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
In about one week I'll get this emailed to me by my aunt who wants to help me become a better person and it will remind me to email it to 10 others
Hey team so today I found myself carrying several items as I was walking down the road. The first of these items was a chair - not a folding chair or a lawn chair or an angry chair, but a regular office type chair made of fairly substantial and, as I found out, heavy oak. I was carrying this with much difficulty with my left arm. In my right arm, I had a package of My Little Pony fruit snacks and a polka-dot blanket.
Now I can explain the fruit snacks. This is my scientific hypothesis which many of my colleagues refuse to help me in researching or funding or even validating as a legitimate hypothesis but when it comes to fruit snacks I postulate that the fruitier the source of the fruit snack's material, the fruitier and tastier the actual snack will be. For this reason, I usually stick to shows where at least 50% of the palette is pink; you know, Powerpuff Girls, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, and so on and so forth. I freaking love them and it is so many to buy next to my beef jerky and bacon and other artery-clogging macho foods at my local grocer.
But the rest of what I was carrying was a mystery to me. A mystery I was soon ready to rectify. I continued to walk for several blocks inviting many strange looks as well as many looks of pity for some reason but I kept going until I found a hospital and I checked in and told the doctor "I don't know what is wrong with me but I am carrying a chair and a blanket and I don't remember why"
So the doctor immediately diagnosed me as having cancer and they started me on chemo but then it got worse and I almost died and they figured it out and they thought it was an infection and they gave me antibiotics and I started to get better but then I got much worse and they ignored me for about a half hour while they diagnosed each others' problems to keep the viewing audience interested but then finally with about 5 minutes left in the episode they came back and told me I was suffering from plot-convenient amnesia and discharged me since I was all better but then they called back and I was like "what" and they handed me a bill for about 86 million dollars for the unnecessary health care and ran away to wrap up their personal problems while staring out of windows and listening to soft rock music.
So here I am now with a chair, a blanket with polka-dots of the green, red, and blue flavors, a half-eaten package of fruit snacks, and a pretty typical medical bill. I just continued walking. Maybe you'll see me on the street one day and you'll come up to me and help me find my way; I'm simply a lost and wandering soul with no one to turn to and no one to tell me my purpose in life.
Now I can explain the fruit snacks. This is my scientific hypothesis which many of my colleagues refuse to help me in researching or funding or even validating as a legitimate hypothesis but when it comes to fruit snacks I postulate that the fruitier the source of the fruit snack's material, the fruitier and tastier the actual snack will be. For this reason, I usually stick to shows where at least 50% of the palette is pink; you know, Powerpuff Girls, Strawberry Shortcake, My Little Pony, and so on and so forth. I freaking love them and it is so many to buy next to my beef jerky and bacon and other artery-clogging macho foods at my local grocer.
But the rest of what I was carrying was a mystery to me. A mystery I was soon ready to rectify. I continued to walk for several blocks inviting many strange looks as well as many looks of pity for some reason but I kept going until I found a hospital and I checked in and told the doctor "I don't know what is wrong with me but I am carrying a chair and a blanket and I don't remember why"
So the doctor immediately diagnosed me as having cancer and they started me on chemo but then it got worse and I almost died and they figured it out and they thought it was an infection and they gave me antibiotics and I started to get better but then I got much worse and they ignored me for about a half hour while they diagnosed each others' problems to keep the viewing audience interested but then finally with about 5 minutes left in the episode they came back and told me I was suffering from plot-convenient amnesia and discharged me since I was all better but then they called back and I was like "what" and they handed me a bill for about 86 million dollars for the unnecessary health care and ran away to wrap up their personal problems while staring out of windows and listening to soft rock music.
So here I am now with a chair, a blanket with polka-dots of the green, red, and blue flavors, a half-eaten package of fruit snacks, and a pretty typical medical bill. I just continued walking. Maybe you'll see me on the street one day and you'll come up to me and help me find my way; I'm simply a lost and wandering soul with no one to turn to and no one to tell me my purpose in life.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My cellphone also makes a ringing noise
Hey team I want to talk to you about something that is very near and dear to my heart and that is of course the issue of cell phones. Now I know you are thinking that you are in love with your cell phone and that I will simply sit here and bash them because I am old fashioned and mean spirited and hateful and racist and quite frankly the very same monster you were terrified would come out of your closet when you were 6 no matter how many times your Dad would turn on the light and show you that it was just a sweater masquerading as a horrible monster and that if there were monsters they would certainly pick a much better hiding space than your fucking closet which you never clean.
Oh I am sorry I was talking about cellular phones wasn't I. Okay now let me tell you team, when I first starting using a cell phone it was roughly the same size, shape, and weight of a brick. It made calls and it did a damn fine job of making calls from wherever you were as long as you weren't under an overpass, in a building, in a car, moving, in a high amount of humidity, in a low amount of humidity, a barometric pressure greater than that on the moon, or in the presence of gravity our lord and savior. But goddamn I would be able to hold a conversation with the person I was in the room with since it was so awful to make a call on them that it was really only practical in the case of really, serious emergencies like death and even minor emergencies like death of someone you didn't really care much for would be neglected.
Nowadays you can tell everyone ever little insignificant shitty detail about your life but completely ignore the person who is speaking right there next to you and you say "huh" and they say "nevermind I won't tell you about about the free superlasers they are giving out down the streets" and you grunt again because Valerie and Liz have taken Arnold and Carlos and Dorothy and Keesha and Tim and Wanda and Phoebe and Ralphie down into some horrible nightmarish existence through the use of extremely questionable teaching methods and it will surely come up in the next PTA meeting.
Actually that example was pretty cool I shouldn't have used it.
But you know what I am talking about right this is the problem I face with so many people who are having a conversation with me. For example just this last week I was in the process of interviewing a girl to be my skydiving out of an exploding plane stunt artist for my upcoming movie and she actually interrupted me mid interview to answer a text on her phone and she said it was important. So then when she went to respond to me I pretended to be answering a very important letter right then and there and I rushed it to the nearest pony express office where I personally rode it to Kansas where it made it to railroad tycoon Thomas Magruder until I remembered that he never actually existed.
I soon returned to my interviewee, patiently waiting with an innocent smile on her face and WHAT WAS THAT SHE WAS TEXTING AGAIN and so I turned bright green and put on purple pants and roared and offered her some peas.
I have completely forgotten the point of my story so I will conclude by rating this product 4 stars out of 5 for ease-of-use, portability, and convenience.
Oh I am sorry I was talking about cellular phones wasn't I. Okay now let me tell you team, when I first starting using a cell phone it was roughly the same size, shape, and weight of a brick. It made calls and it did a damn fine job of making calls from wherever you were as long as you weren't under an overpass, in a building, in a car, moving, in a high amount of humidity, in a low amount of humidity, a barometric pressure greater than that on the moon, or in the presence of gravity our lord and savior. But goddamn I would be able to hold a conversation with the person I was in the room with since it was so awful to make a call on them that it was really only practical in the case of really, serious emergencies like death and even minor emergencies like death of someone you didn't really care much for would be neglected.
Nowadays you can tell everyone ever little insignificant shitty detail about your life but completely ignore the person who is speaking right there next to you and you say "huh" and they say "nevermind I won't tell you about about the free superlasers they are giving out down the streets" and you grunt again because Valerie and Liz have taken Arnold and Carlos and Dorothy and Keesha and Tim and Wanda and Phoebe and Ralphie down into some horrible nightmarish existence through the use of extremely questionable teaching methods and it will surely come up in the next PTA meeting.
Actually that example was pretty cool I shouldn't have used it.
But you know what I am talking about right this is the problem I face with so many people who are having a conversation with me. For example just this last week I was in the process of interviewing a girl to be my skydiving out of an exploding plane stunt artist for my upcoming movie and she actually interrupted me mid interview to answer a text on her phone and she said it was important. So then when she went to respond to me I pretended to be answering a very important letter right then and there and I rushed it to the nearest pony express office where I personally rode it to Kansas where it made it to railroad tycoon Thomas Magruder until I remembered that he never actually existed.
I soon returned to my interviewee, patiently waiting with an innocent smile on her face and WHAT WAS THAT SHE WAS TEXTING AGAIN and so I turned bright green and put on purple pants and roared and offered her some peas.
I have completely forgotten the point of my story so I will conclude by rating this product 4 stars out of 5 for ease-of-use, portability, and convenience.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Oh my god super amazing and funny bad day hahaha
Oh my god today was such a terrible day you know it was that kind of day that when anything that can go wrong does go wrong right I mean I think that was Mike's law or maybe it was Maurey's law haha I don't know I'm sorry I just remember it started with an M but oh yeah right like I was walking down the street in my cutest little green skirt and wearing an adorable gray hoodie that says "college" on it just like John Belushi wore in Old School right and so I was really upset because it started raining and I don't really like the rain like at all it's really a pain to deal with but that wasn't the worst get this a bus comes by and splashes me with a big puddle of dirty crummy street water and I'm like hey but he doesn't hear me because he is a bus and my sweater is completely ruined like completely and totally wrecked but my skirt was okay except for a couple of places but the while I was walking to Starbucks I noticed that my shoe was untied just a little too late because I completely tripped and fell down half a flight of stairs and broke a nail but like that wasn't even the worst thing there was a cute boy standing there and he just sat and laughed as I was tumbling and then I tried to completely play it off as if I meant to do it he burst out laughing and I was like what is the problem and he told me John Belushi isn't in Old School and I was so embarrassed that I couldn't even stand up now all I need to do is condense this into a single twitter update so that everyone who follows my mindless rambling thoughts for no specific reason can read what I have to say
Thursday, September 3, 2009
The story of Jeremy the sad little ant
Hey team it was a hard life for a little insignificant bug like Jeremy. He was an intelligent worker but physically he simply wasn't at the level that all the other insects were. He couldn't go the the gym due to the fact that Dirk, the very fearsome anthill bully, roamed around the gym constantly with his cronies, discussing things like delts and lats and abs and pecs and thoraxes, all the while laughing and picking on the wimpy little bugs like Jeremy."It is tough being the smart one," said Jeremy to nobody in particular, "I guess there simply isn't any room in this big anthill allegory for someone like me to thrive" right after Dirk had pushed him in a particularly wet, smelly, and sticky substance. "Dog poo bug dog poo bug why don't you hang out with your dung beetle friends Lame-emy" Dirk and his cronies yelled.
Jeremy was very mad and he wanted to get revenge on Dirk. Unfortunately there was no way Jeremy could match Dirk's size and food-carrying ability and Jeremy was very disappointed and went all the way back to his small room nestled in the furthest back, darkest corner of the anthill. He looked up sadly as several pieces of dirt crumbled down from his ramshackle ceiling.
The next day he tried to go about his normal routine and avoid Dirk. Dirk was still being extra mean to all of the ants and Jeremy wanted to know what was going on. Dirk had always been pretty mean but he had suddenly gotten much meaner to everyone, not just Jeremy. He had even started to pick on the older and wiser ant leaders, including the great queen.
The queen's guards immediately had Dirk thrown out and Jeremy followed Dirk back to his hideout. Once there he found Dirk's family had all been killed!
This was very alarming to Jeremy and so he immediately tried to tell the queen what had happened but he got thrown out as well because the guards were not as trusting after Dirk tried to attack the queen.
He walked away dejected and he was very sad until he bumped right into Dirk! "Blaaarrrggggghhhhhhh, roaaarrrrrr, blaaarrgggghgh" said Dirk. "Excuse me," said Jeremy, "I don't think you are speaking antish right now"
Then Jeremy looked down and saw that there were several little naked men running out of of Dirk's sleeve and he had the presence of mind to step on one of them. Dirk roared loudly and furiously, smashing Jeremy to the side and started climbing up the water tower! Jeremy grabbed onto one of Dirk's appendages and Dirk's exoskeleton gave way to reveal a finely dressed man in a black suit who continued to climb the water tower!
Jeremy thought quickly and he and his partner grabbed their vaporizer guns and blasted the human into millions of tiny bits.
"That was horrible" Jeremy said. His partner agreed.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
If I wrote a history book
Hey team so it was August in the year 1978. It was in this month, on the 26th, Pope John Paul I (not his real name) became the 263th Pope of the United States of America; this occurred a mere 20 days after the death of his predecessor and inspirational friend Pope King Henry V. This was a revolutionary accomplishment since he was the first female African-American grassroots reformist oppositional newlywed gay bald and overweight Pope in history.
This was a major event for civil rights in America since this was the first major civil rights achievement since the great doctor Martin Luther King Solomon the Wise was assassinated in 1968. The fact that it took 10 more years to make any more progress towards civil rights came as no surprise to the entire country, who, to the best of my knowledge, hadn't been sober since the Kennedy administration (1956-1993).
However as things continued to turn worse for the Cold War and difficult relations between the western world which supported capitalism and exploitation of workers and the eastern world which supported communism and the exploitation of workers. The fact that this revolutionary new Pope had been elected by a slim margin meant that he would have to make an even greater statement in his actions in order to convince the world that we should all just get along and exploit our workers while we eat caviar and Kobe beef.
So the good man decided that, in order to draw the world's attention away from real issues, he should die in his bed and start up lots of conspiracy theories about the church, the establishment he had sworn his life to in 1923. He was only 33 days old.
This was a major event for civil rights in America since this was the first major civil rights achievement since the great doctor Martin Luther King Solomon the Wise was assassinated in 1968. The fact that it took 10 more years to make any more progress towards civil rights came as no surprise to the entire country, who, to the best of my knowledge, hadn't been sober since the Kennedy administration (1956-1993).
However as things continued to turn worse for the Cold War and difficult relations between the western world which supported capitalism and exploitation of workers and the eastern world which supported communism and the exploitation of workers. The fact that this revolutionary new Pope had been elected by a slim margin meant that he would have to make an even greater statement in his actions in order to convince the world that we should all just get along and exploit our workers while we eat caviar and Kobe beef.
So the good man decided that, in order to draw the world's attention away from real issues, he should die in his bed and start up lots of conspiracy theories about the church, the establishment he had sworn his life to in 1923. He was only 33 days old.
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