Hey Team!

Hey team I have been asked several times why I preface almost everything I say with "hey team" and I suppose it is time I give a full and honest answer. In short, of course, it is because I feel that everyone is on my team and that we can all get along. Everyone is my teammate through thick and thin rough and smooth hot and cold night and day.

I got this philosophy from my friend and teammate Benjamin Franklin who would famously write "Four score and seven years ago everyone is innocent until proven guilty as long as we name this country after me" and of course most of his speech never really caught on but that middle part became a crucial section of the Boy Scout Pledge. I took this philosophy and decided that everyone is my teammate until proven guilty of some heinous most notably claiming to not be on my team which is pretty much the only offense that will get you booted since loyalty is a pretty big thing with me (the only other offense being not bringing your assigned snack to practices, which is also punishable by death).

This of course leads me to the next big benefit I gain from having everyone on my team. I can pad my resume to hell and back and if I ever go to a job interview I can say "Hey bro I played soccer with you in 10th grade" and he won't remember because he was stoned off his ass all through 10th grade and also how would he remember me it's foolproof.

Then he would reply with something like "I never played soccer in high school and also you're like 40 years older than me" and then I would start crying and he would apologize and console me.

We would then go back to my resume and his eyes would get very large when he noticed that I was best friends with not only Napoleon Bonaparte, William Shakespeare, Montel Williams, James Tiberius Kirk, and the Velociraptor from Jurassic Park, but I knew all of their nicknames ("The French Fury", "Captain PAIN", "Dark Chocolate Nightmare", "Blast from the Past", and "Velociraptor", respectively) and we were voted as the best water polo team on Earth from 1230-1233, and I still have the trophy on my desk to prove it.

Also being on everyone's team is a great way to pick up chicks in the park. I'll just go up to them and mention how we played little league together and remember how silly it was when I missed all the pitches and the coaches eventually had to give me a tee to hit from and I was embarrassed but your mom brought Mondos and we laughed and you might have even been my first crush I can't remember. Then you look at me and smile and wag your tail and wonder why I shake my head and ask myself why I look for girls at the dog park.

People are so much friendlier when you simply pretend that they are your teammates. It is as if summer would never end and I got to enjoy all the great sports out in fields with grass stains and happiness blooming out of everyone and we would never do drills because drills are for losers and with a team this size and with this variety of talent we are unstoppable.

Also since everyone is on my team it is very easy for me to choose the winning side in a competition. You can call me a fair-weather fan if you like, but I'd prefer to call myself a fair-weather player. I'm on the team too!

Now if you excuse me I have to go and party it up with my teammates and we will have a great time and it will be full of brotherhood.