My cellphone also makes a ringing noise

Hey team I want to talk to you about something that is very near and dear to my heart and that is of course the issue of cell phones. Now I know you are thinking that you are in love with your cell phone and that I will simply sit here and bash them because I am old fashioned and mean spirited and hateful and racist and quite frankly the very same monster you were terrified would come out of your closet when you were 6 no matter how many times your Dad would turn on the light and show you that it was just a sweater masquerading as a horrible monster and that if there were monsters they would certainly pick a much better hiding space than your fucking closet which you never clean.

Oh I am sorry I was talking about cellular phones wasn't I. Okay now let me tell you team, when I first starting using a cell phone it was roughly the same size, shape, and weight of a brick. It made calls and it did a damn fine job of making calls from wherever you were as long as you weren't under an overpass, in a building, in a car, moving, in a high amount of humidity, in a low amount of humidity, a barometric pressure greater than that on the moon, or in the presence of gravity our lord and savior. But goddamn I would be able to hold a conversation with the person I was in the room with since it was so awful to make a call on them that it was really only practical in the case of really, serious emergencies like death and even minor emergencies like death of someone you didn't really care much for would be neglected.

Nowadays you can tell everyone ever little insignificant shitty detail about your life but completely ignore the person who is speaking right there next to you and you say "huh" and they say "nevermind I won't tell you about about the free superlasers they are giving out down the streets" and you grunt again because Valerie and Liz have taken Arnold and Carlos and Dorothy and Keesha and Tim and Wanda and Phoebe and Ralphie down into some horrible nightmarish existence through the use of extremely questionable teaching methods and it will surely come up in the next PTA meeting.

Actually that example was pretty cool I shouldn't have used it.

But you know what I am talking about right this is the problem I face with so many people who are having a conversation with me. For example just this last week I was in the process of interviewing a girl to be my skydiving out of an exploding plane stunt artist for my upcoming movie and she actually interrupted me mid interview to answer a text on her phone and she said it was important. So then when she went to respond to me I pretended to be answering a very important letter right then and there and I rushed it to the nearest pony express office where I personally rode it to Kansas where it made it to railroad tycoon Thomas Magruder until I remembered that he never actually existed.

I soon returned to my interviewee, patiently waiting with an innocent smile on her face and WHAT WAS THAT SHE WAS TEXTING AGAIN and so I turned bright green and put on purple pants and roared and offered her some peas.

I have completely forgotten the point of my story so I will conclude by rating this product 4 stars out of 5 for ease-of-use, portability, and convenience.

If I wrote a history book

Hey team so it was August in the year 1978. It was in this month, on the 26th, Pope John Paul I (not his real name) became the 263th Pope of the United States of America; this occurred a mere 20 days after the death of his predecessor and inspirational friend Pope King Henry V. This was a revolutionary accomplishment since he was the first female African-American grassroots reformist oppositional newlywed gay bald and overweight Pope in history.

This was a major event for civil rights in America since this was the first major civil rights achievement since the great doctor Martin Luther King Solomon the Wise was assassinated in 1968. The fact that it took 10 more years to make any more progress towards civil rights came as no surprise to the entire country, who, to the best of my knowledge, hadn't been sober since the Kennedy administration (1956-1993).

However as things continued to turn worse for the Cold War and difficult relations between the western world which supported capitalism and exploitation of workers and the eastern world which supported communism and the exploitation of workers. The fact that this revolutionary new Pope had been elected by a slim margin meant that he would have to make an even greater statement in his actions in order to convince the world that we should all just get along and exploit our workers while we eat caviar and Kobe beef.

So the good man decided that, in order to draw the world's attention away from real issues, he should die in his bed and start up lots of conspiracy theories about the church, the establishment he had sworn his life to in 1923. He was only 33 days old.