Okay so this is that obligatory preachy post where I act like I am better than every single person on Earth in that I know better and I am better and I want you to change your life right away and do exactly as I say because I am the internet and I know better. Well guess what god damn it I deserve to have at least one preachy post a year and I will try to use it for good rather than personal gain since I am almost a deity in terms of my morality.
And also if you already do what I am going to rant about than you can just sit back and bask in your amazing glory because you are a good person and everyone should look up to you and be happy about being able to even see you, the wondrous and heavenly light coming from you should be enough to blind the damned and wretched populous.
Now of course what I am talking about is donating blood. Donating blood is an amazing pastime; I personally have donated every day for the past several hundred years amassing an incredible 380,000 gallons of total donations. Of course not everyone is macho enough to reach this kind of level, but you know that I can't do all of this all by myself. I can try and I come close, but people still need blood and they really love not dying, so why not spend a few hours once every two months and help them out?
Yes, that is the first thing that is great about giving blood. You can become a better person instantaneously for - get this - no work at all! You don't have to see creepy and smelly old people, you don't have to laboriously build houses for charity, and you certainly don't have to deal with bratty-ass children! All you have to do to become a better person in the eyes of the general populace is sit on a table for 20 minutes and then go eat cookies. Now you can't tell me that isn't a good deal. You don't even have to lift a finger - in fact, they insist that you don't!
What's that? You're afraid of needles? WHAT KIND OF LAME ASS MAN DO YOU CALL YOURSELF? If you are too fucking pussy to let someone stick a huge-ass needle into your arm and draw a large amount of bodily fluids then why don't you just come and turn in your testicles and chest hair right now because you are a woman. In fact you are not even a woman because women still donate blood and aren't as lame as you. If you can't tolerate a little discomfort or deal with a little pain to SAVE LIVES of people WHO ARE DYING and ARE IN WAY MORE PAIN THAN YOU WILL EVER BE than you are shameful and I hope you get to be in their position at some point because you deserve to be in a horrible car accident or a shark murdering accident. I realize that seems harsh but sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Oops, wrong aphorism, I think I mean that you should walk a mile in their shoes.
It doesn't even hurt that bad. If you are a true man you are routinely putting yourself in more painful situations and you are shaking it off because you are a man and just because you have bones sticking out of you or blood gushing from a massive wound or missing a few limbs doesn't mean that you get to cry or run away.
So, to reiterate many of my main points, man up and do something good for society. Maybe it will be the only good thing you do for your entire life. It actually probably will be. You suck! There's no gift more personal than one drawn directly from your veins.
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