I am actually completely deaf which is why I can listen to this crap

Okay team so I just got back from a 16 hour trip in the car which consisted of about 15 and a half hours of driving in Pennsylvania and the last half hour going through the states of Virginia, Ohio, Alaska, California, and the fictional planet Rigel VII from the up and coming hit TV series Star Trek. Naturally, since construction halted me to roughly the speed of a dead tapeworm blowing in the wind (this metaphor makes so much sense just don't think about it; or, if you do, be sure to write a glowing literary analysis about why it is deep), I spent a lot of the time listening to music.

Over the course of this long car trip, I listened to several hundred songs. However, at the unfortunate conclusion of the trip, only a single song was stuck in my head, replaying over and over again. This song was, of course, "I'm a Believer" by the Monkees. Now of course you thinking to yourself "no way I have heard of that song and this lunatic author never uses references to anything I have ever heard of" and for that I blame the horrible children's nightmare Shrek, a horrible movie about a bunch of angry computer hackers who find out they are in the Matrix.

Now this was a major problem for me because I enjoy their music because I am deaf but I had listened to many many songs but no matter how many songs I would listen to I would continue to have the Monkees and their music stuck in my head. This can happen to me even if I do not listen to their songs. For example, one day I spent 23 hours listening to my favorite record, The Best of Bread, and singing along loudly and out of tune. However, at the end of my experience I could not get "Last Train to Clarksville" out of my head. It was the only thing I could hear or think of singing.

To nervously retell another nearly repressed memory, I once had a marathon session of 12 straight days of listening to No End in Sight: The Very Best of Foreigner and, terrifyingly enough, at the very end the only words I could hear were the lyrics to "Pleasant Valley Sunday." I carefully weighed these very dangerous circumstances. It soon became very clear to me.

The Monkees are a secret organization hell-bent on brainwashing America. That is truly the only explanation for this phenomenon. And, unless drastic measures are taken, they will continue on their 50-year-long conspiracy to take over the world. They have simply been sitting by, biding their time and waiting for the day when the entire world has their songs stuck in their head at once. Then, they pounce, and their secret plot will be unraveled as the entire planet is given instructions to betray the Jedi and allow Palpatine to take his rightful place as Emperor.

The only way to stop them is radical, but it must be done. Monkees songs should be forever forbidden from being played; it will be considered treasonous to have "A Little Bit Me, a Little Bit You" on your iPod, it will be punishable by death to hear "Good Clean Fun" on the radio, and owning a copy of Shrek will leave us no choice but to flay you alive and eat your carcass. That is how important this is.