That's how I beat Shaq

Hey team so today I was watching ABC and a fantastic show was being shown called "Shaq Vs." wherein Shaquille of Neal plays sports other than basketball against the best players in that respective sport stating that it is the best crossfit exercise possible for him to be ready to play more basketball in the coming season which may in fact be his last and he continues on to lament that this may be his last chance to win an NBA championship which drew some sympathy from me until several minutes later when the announcers confirmed that he has in fact already won four making it less of a comeback kid down and out under and over story and more of a hey I'm gloating here pay attention to me again kind of story.

But aside from that it was very entertaining watching the man I only know from seeing the cinematic masterpiece Kazaam try and play sports where he was clearly not nearly as talented in but still pretty good at them because hey well I mean look at him he's in pretty great shape and he's pretty huge and is still a professional athlete so he's not completely out of his league against other athletes even if they are better at their respective sport.

However watching this and seeing how easy it was for Kazaam the genie to jump up over the beach volleyball net which we were constantly reminded was only a couple inches taller than the big man himself by him and the announcers and the other players because well he's big and they don't want people to forget that but I thought that maybe I should be the one to challenge Shaq at a sport I knew I'd be able to beat him in which would be pretty impressive since I am clearly a greasy fat shit who sits and blogs all day only opening the blinds to adjust the clock on my computer which I do three times a day just in case because I'm not too trusting of this new technologies.

So I did what any normal person would do and I called Shaq up and did some trash talking and called him names for about 20 minutes before I realized that I had dialed the wrong number and apologized and hung up and then tried again and the same thing happened and it was then that I finally realized that I didn't know Shaq's phone number because hey why the hell would I?

After many hours of work I tracked Shaq down using advanced tracking techniques passed down by my Inuit grandmother and Cherokee grandmother and my Bloodhound grandmother in that I read his twitter page until I figured out where he was. Then, in classic hip-hop style I got my boom box and put in Aaron Carter's hit single "That's how I beat Shaq" and went up to Shaq and yelled "Hey Shaq man why don't you try and play against me in my sport unless you are very scared which I anticipate you will be"

Of course being Shaq he was not at all scared and approached me and asked me what my sport was and I was nervous but I held my ground and said "blogging is my sport it requires a lot of hand-eye coordination" and he nodded his head in agreement he has a twitter page he knows how brutal that workout can be.

So the competition was set we were each given a week to get in shape for it and I practiced blogging like crazy and so did Shaq and we blogged about everything I mean everything that happened in our daily lives and we wrote pages upon pages of worthless pages about sitting on the patio and blogging throwing us into some kind of horrible recursion situation where the only thing to blog about was blogging which only led to more blogging but it was okay we were rescued when the time finally came to start the competition.

Shaq began writing about a delicious barbecue grill he ate the night before and I knew I would have to come up with something fast since barbecues are pretty impressive events to blog about since you have so many great orators sharing the stories of their pasts so I immediately set to work on this article which is at this point a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy since I already wrote the title and I already decided on the ending for this piece.

Unfortunately for the universe it had a different ending in mind and since it is actually physically impossible for the universe to disagree with a blogger champion like me (it was proven by Karl Friedrich Gauss in 1823) it started to collapse upon itself and Shaq cursed as the horrible black hole sucked up the last remaining bits of the universe as well as his career and I yelled back "That's how I beat Shaq" and looked at Aaron Carter next to me and he nodded with his annoying boy band smile.