I am such a revolutionary like Ben Franklin or Captain Planet

Hey team I have finally decided to become a powerful political pundit whose scathing criticism of all of the pathetic and horrible bureaucrats in Washington provides a shining beacon of hope for the sheltered and uneducated masses. This post is sure to move you in ways you haven't even imagined yet because I am going to rock your political world with more insight and suave persuasiveness than you can possibly comprehend.

Now first let me talk about the recent press conference about the health care problems wherein our "great" (did you see what I did there) president answered the questions of many wonderful local people who are so poor and struggling and Joe Six Pack who is important to pundits like me. I understand the working class you see I really have watched a lot of documentaries and read a lot of blogs about them so I really can understand their plight.

For example I was listening to Rush Limbaugh last night and he was interviewing a poor American who only made a little over two hundred thousand dollars a year and his wife was pulling in a paltry one hundred and fifty thousand a year and they were saying how they had to cut back on gas for their SUV because they simply couldn't afford to commute in it anymore and he was appalled by this and he stated that it is entirely the fault of the Obama administration and health care reform and death panels for killing their grandma and they explained how their grandmother had a stroke at 82 and the death panels decided to keep her alive and she is still alive and happy.

Now if you are anything like me you were angry about this and really want someone to speak out about this outrageous outrage. I think that someone is destined to be me. So in retribution I went ahead and called Washington D.C. so that they would get a mouthful of the people's fist of furious fury.

"Hello" was their all-too-innocent answer. "HELLO YOUR FACE" I yelled back at them, indicating immediately my intellectual superiority. I was soon transferred to someone very high up and I asked them "What is your plan surrounding the dealing of and dealing with or for the new health care reform not to not not not build death panels to not not not not not not murder the elderly and also the octomom?"

They were stunned by my powerful and probing questioning. He began to reply but I immediately shot back with "don't forget today is D alliteration day" and he readied himself once more to speak "don't deject domestic dealings during December delegating detestable death" and I replied with "dast doth don Deuteronomy during Darack Dbama's ddminstration dor dew dealth dare deform? "

He said "dumbass dumbass dumbass" and hung up. If only they were prepared to answer the tough questions that us genius pundits pose. Man just wait until next week when I reveal more about the corruption of government officials who, as it turns out, spend at least 400 dollars a year on food alone!

God damn why don't you pansy-ass wussies give blood

Okay so this is that obligatory preachy post where I act like I am better than every single person on Earth in that I know better and I am better and I want you to change your life right away and do exactly as I say because I am the internet and I know better. Well guess what god damn it I deserve to have at least one preachy post a year and I will try to use it for good rather than personal gain since I am almost a deity in terms of my morality.

And also if you already do what I am going to rant about than you can just sit back and bask in your amazing glory because you are a good person and everyone should look up to you and be happy about being able to even see you, the wondrous and heavenly light coming from you should be enough to blind the damned and wretched populous.

Now of course what I am talking about is donating blood. Donating blood is an amazing pastime; I personally have donated every day for the past several hundred years amassing an incredible 380,000 gallons of total donations. Of course not everyone is macho enough to reach this kind of level, but you know that I can't do all of this all by myself. I can try and I come close, but people still need blood and they really love not dying, so why not spend a few hours once every two months and help them out?

Yes, that is the first thing that is great about giving blood. You can become a better person instantaneously for - get this - no work at all! You don't have to see creepy and smelly old people, you don't have to laboriously build houses for charity, and you certainly don't have to deal with bratty-ass children! All you have to do to become a better person in the eyes of the general populace is sit on a table for 20 minutes and then go eat cookies. Now you can't tell me that isn't a good deal. You don't even have to lift a finger - in fact, they insist that you don't!

What's that? You're afraid of needles? WHAT KIND OF LAME ASS MAN DO YOU CALL YOURSELF? If you are too fucking pussy to let someone stick a huge-ass needle into your arm and draw a large amount of bodily fluids then why don't you just come and turn in your testicles and chest hair right now because you are a woman. In fact you are not even a woman because women still donate blood and aren't as lame as you. If you can't tolerate a little discomfort or deal with a little pain to SAVE LIVES of people WHO ARE DYING and ARE IN WAY MORE PAIN THAN YOU WILL EVER BE than you are shameful and I hope you get to be in their position at some point because you deserve to be in a horrible car accident or a shark murdering accident. I realize that seems harsh but sometimes laughter is the best medicine. Oops, wrong aphorism, I think I mean that you should walk a mile in their shoes.

It doesn't even hurt that bad. If you are a true man you are routinely putting yourself in more painful situations and you are shaking it off because you are a man and just because you have bones sticking out of you or blood gushing from a massive wound or missing a few limbs doesn't mean that you get to cry or run away.

So, to reiterate many of my main points, man up and do something good for society. Maybe it will be the only good thing you do for your entire life. It actually probably will be. You suck! There's no gift more personal than one drawn directly from your veins.