I am such a revolutionary like Ben Franklin or Captain Planet

Hey team I have finally decided to become a powerful political pundit whose scathing criticism of all of the pathetic and horrible bureaucrats in Washington provides a shining beacon of hope for the sheltered and uneducated masses. This post is sure to move you in ways you haven't even imagined yet because I am going to rock your political world with more insight and suave persuasiveness than you can possibly comprehend.

Now first let me talk about the recent press conference about the health care problems wherein our "great" (did you see what I did there) president answered the questions of many wonderful local people who are so poor and struggling and Joe Six Pack who is important to pundits like me. I understand the working class you see I really have watched a lot of documentaries and read a lot of blogs about them so I really can understand their plight.

For example I was listening to Rush Limbaugh last night and he was interviewing a poor American who only made a little over two hundred thousand dollars a year and his wife was pulling in a paltry one hundred and fifty thousand a year and they were saying how they had to cut back on gas for their SUV because they simply couldn't afford to commute in it anymore and he was appalled by this and he stated that it is entirely the fault of the Obama administration and health care reform and death panels for killing their grandma and they explained how their grandmother had a stroke at 82 and the death panels decided to keep her alive and she is still alive and happy.

Now if you are anything like me you were angry about this and really want someone to speak out about this outrageous outrage. I think that someone is destined to be me. So in retribution I went ahead and called Washington D.C. so that they would get a mouthful of the people's fist of furious fury.

"Hello" was their all-too-innocent answer. "HELLO YOUR FACE" I yelled back at them, indicating immediately my intellectual superiority. I was soon transferred to someone very high up and I asked them "What is your plan surrounding the dealing of and dealing with or for the new health care reform not to not not not build death panels to not not not not not not murder the elderly and also the octomom?"

They were stunned by my powerful and probing questioning. He began to reply but I immediately shot back with "don't forget today is D alliteration day" and he readied himself once more to speak "don't deject domestic dealings during December delegating detestable death" and I replied with "dast doth don Deuteronomy during Darack Dbama's ddminstration dor dew dealth dare deform? "

He said "dumbass dumbass dumbass" and hung up. If only they were prepared to answer the tough questions that us genius pundits pose. Man just wait until next week when I reveal more about the corruption of government officials who, as it turns out, spend at least 400 dollars a year on food alone!

Golf would be so much better if you had to battle a new mythological creature every time you hit a ball

So guys I went golfing again today and I found out that I still suck at it that hasn't changed from two weeks ago. However with some assistance from the helpful golf professional mumbjo jumbo speakers at Pro Golf I at least know why I am bad at it. First of all though what the hell kind of lame name is "Pro Golf" for a golf course it sounds like they spent a couple seconds choosing the name instead of something clever like all those King Par stores if I were in charge I'd get more customers by calling it Pro Golfasaurus McManRape with fire-breathing dragons that pick up the balls on the driving range instead of the little guys in caged tractors and if you hit the dragon they will come and eat you alive oh man that would be sweet but I don't know how many customers we'd have after a day and I hear dragons don't exist so maybe I'll have to revise my business model a bit.

But anyway the pro golfer expert head honcho gave me lots of helpful explanations as to what I was doing wrong. First of all I was hitting with a massive fade because I was putting the wrong English on the ball when teeing from the rough and when I'm swinging the iron around the clubs moment of inertia loses all of its muffler bearings so I'm not getting enough melatonin in my hippocampus to walk for the cure. Or something along those lines.

Then he shows me how he would swing the club. It looked exactly the same as how I'd been doing it. He shows me a couple more times in pretty useless slow motion because as far as I know when you swing in slow motion you get the movements right but the ball goes like 2 feet. Then he let me try again and he immediately saw several thousand mistakes in my technique and how I was moving my deltoids all wrong and gave me a huge list of things to practice so that I would have a better golf swing and I promised him, staring like a deer into headlights shining golf textbooks into its eyes, that I would practice everything he told me about calculus and epilepsy.

He then went on helping other perplexed and hopeless golfers in their quest to become boring people in stupid polyester pants. I went on sucking at golf. And the circle of life continues