Hey team so today I was sitting inside of a Starbucks working on my infinitely recursive screenplay about working in a Starbucks and I was having an intriguing conversation with myself.
"Hey," I said, "I've got an interesting an wonderful paradox for you."
"A most ingenious paradox?" I asked.
"Yes, a most ingenious paradox." I replied.
"But I wasn't born on a leap year"
"What?"
"Nevermind, what is your paradox?"
"Okay," I said, "if you were tasked with being on a firing squad and you had to execute a prisoner, when would you shoot?"
I thought carefully for a second. "I guess I would shoot last out of all the executioners."
I laughed. "Excellent!" I love it when people figure out my riddles. "Now why would you choose to shoot last?"
"Well, I suppose I would want to be the last person to shoot because they would most likely be dead by the time my shot burrowed into them. This helps me out, morally speaking, because I would be the least likely to have killed the prisoner."
"Exactly!" I yelled, getting even more excited. "But here comes the issue. What if all the guards know they should shoot last?"
"Well," I scratched my chin, deeply in thought, "I guess nobody would shoot at all since they would all be trying to be the last of the group to shoot the prisoner!"
"Correct once again!"
"And if that were the case the prisoner can be content knowing he will never be executed!"
"Oooh, no, no, not at all." I said in disbelief. "The prisoner will be constantly terrified with the knowledge that his death could, nay, will be imminent!"
"But wait," I said, "that can't be. We will all be vying for the golden opportunity to shoot him last. Nobody will shoot."
"Aren't you forgetting the most important element in this fine doozy of a situation? People are jerks, and the prisoner knows this! It's only a matter of time before the charade of moral responsibility is dropped and the truly horrible nature of humanity is revealed"
"Aha just like in that one book I read"
"Which book?"
"I don't know, pick one. You've got like a 50 percent chance that's the theme." I said, sipping my mocha latte supreme baha fajita in a very hip manner.
"Oh, right."
We sat in awkward silence for a few long moments. I gazed into my eyes and I could tell I was deep in thought.
"That's a helluva paradox, friend." I nodded happily, completely oblivious to the incredulous stares of every single customer at Starbucks. Clearly they were interested in my screenplay.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Look at this existentialism I could spend hours breaking this down
Hey team life can sometimes be difficult as a robot working on an assembly line. I sometimes feel saddened by the fact that I don't seem to have any purpose in life other than to create things for others. Although it does seem to be a common theme in many sappy Christmas specials that it is better to give than to receive and that everyone feels better by making others feel better, but we autonomous limbs really need to feel loved sometimes too.
So I turned to Jeff the assembly line worker next to me who is a nice man in his 40s with 3 kids and lives a decent although blue collar life and said "Jeff, do you ever sometimes stop and wonder if you could do more with your life? Like, seriously, take everything to the next level and uproot yourself from the factory floor and go write a screenplay and live your dreams or something?"
Jeff turned to me and said "Hey I don't think you can talk"
"Oh yeah hahaha whoops I forgot" I replied and went back to my work.
So I turned to Jeff the assembly line worker next to me who is a nice man in his 40s with 3 kids and lives a decent although blue collar life and said "Jeff, do you ever sometimes stop and wonder if you could do more with your life? Like, seriously, take everything to the next level and uproot yourself from the factory floor and go write a screenplay and live your dreams or something?"
Jeff turned to me and said "Hey I don't think you can talk"
"Oh yeah hahaha whoops I forgot" I replied and went back to my work.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
You should always derive major life lessons from dream sequences
Hey team so last night I was asleep and having what I could only describe as an attempted nightmare. There was some sort of horrible ghastly demon thing that was following me and telling me horrible repressed truths about myself that I know are true but refuse to admit because it's the only way I can feel good about myself.
Fortunately for me, however, I seemed entirely disinterested in all the horrible ghouls and creatures wandering around. I just sat there, humming along gaily and I could tell the evil spirits were getting frustrated. Eventually they had no choice but to give up and leave me alone entirely.
So the moral of the story you should take away from this kids is that apathy is the best weapon towards anything. Bullies? Ignore 'em until they go away! Psychotic evil dictators? If you don't give them any attention, they'll get bored and find someone else to pick on! Crazed Viking warriors pillaging your town? Just sit on the corpses of your family and sing a merry tune!
Fortunately for me, however, I seemed entirely disinterested in all the horrible ghouls and creatures wandering around. I just sat there, humming along gaily and I could tell the evil spirits were getting frustrated. Eventually they had no choice but to give up and leave me alone entirely.
So the moral of the story you should take away from this kids is that apathy is the best weapon towards anything. Bullies? Ignore 'em until they go away! Psychotic evil dictators? If you don't give them any attention, they'll get bored and find someone else to pick on! Crazed Viking warriors pillaging your town? Just sit on the corpses of your family and sing a merry tune!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Papers and copiers and printers and faxes oh yes!
Hey team I want to tell you all a story about my crazy office life I assure it is much more exciting than water coolers and fax machines and staplers it is a story of excitement and romance and comedy all mixed up into some wretched teen comedy starring Michael Cera.
So anyway I working diligently at my desk watching a bootlegged copy of Judge Judy season 143 episode 982 the one where Mon'ique is suing her boyfriend Ba'roque because she gave him money to paint their house but instead he ending up sleeping with prostitutes and quite honestly I don't blame the man it was a legitimate mistake to make and could have happened to anyone. After the episode I go back and count my dry-erase markers like I do every day and I noticed the most horrible thing: one of them was missing.
I knew exactly who did it, too. The only culprit could have been my office mate, who must have stepped in to play the prank on me while I had briefly ducked under my desk for my mid-late-afternoon nap. Now we all like to have a lot of fun and mess around all the time but this had gone way to far and I decided to get my revenge on him by sawing his desk in half.
Content with my work and not particularly phased by the convenient placed and necessary power tools I headed off to lunch. As I made my way down the hallway, I ran into my office mate. I tried to avoid him, but given that he is actually a hole in the fabric of space and time he is rather large and difficult to maneuver around.
Now obviously you are asking yourself how I ended up working with a hole in the fabric of space and time instead of say, a human or a relatively competent chimpanzee or dolphin. You see we were put in our small, out of the way office because those evil people over in HR decided that we were both terrible at dealing with customers and fellow employees so we should work well away from the rest of society. I don't exactly see how I fit in with Devin (that's the hole's name, you jerk) but that is okay I am making the best of my situation.
So anyway Devin stops and hands me my dry erase marker and says "Sorry for borrowing it buddy but it was needed in a parallel dimension for most of the morning its mother was sick and dry erase markers are like chemo there" and I nodded and suddenly felt an emotion I have hardly ever experienced. I think it is called remorse. I had remembered what I had done to Devin's desk and felt terrible. I had to keep him away from the office until I could right what was wrong.
"So Devin!" I said quickly, turning him around, "how about we go and get some lunch together?" He hesitated but agreed and fortunately I quickly remembered that Devin was a vegetarian so we couldn't go to the slaughterhouse like I usually did for lunch. "Okay I'm going to go gnaw on the bushes outside for a while" I said, while I quietly congratulated myself for coming up with a great vegetarian meal on such short notice.
Devin seemed okay with it and came out and starting gnawing on the bushes with me. He was getting into it and so I snuck back inside and ran back to the office where, to my surprise, there was a big party of people there with a cake for me! Devin walked in and said "we knew we could set you off by taking that marker so that we could throw you a birthday party" and we all celebrated and ate carrot cake which was delicious and I was so happy.
See everything always works out if you just do whatever you feel like doing with no thoughts about the consequences.
...
So anyway I working diligently at my desk watching a bootlegged copy of Judge Judy season 143 episode 982 the one where Mon'ique is suing her boyfriend Ba'roque because she gave him money to paint their house but instead he ending up sleeping with prostitutes and quite honestly I don't blame the man it was a legitimate mistake to make and could have happened to anyone. After the episode I go back and count my dry-erase markers like I do every day and I noticed the most horrible thing: one of them was missing.
I knew exactly who did it, too. The only culprit could have been my office mate, who must have stepped in to play the prank on me while I had briefly ducked under my desk for my mid-late-afternoon nap. Now we all like to have a lot of fun and mess around all the time but this had gone way to far and I decided to get my revenge on him by sawing his desk in half.
Content with my work and not particularly phased by the convenient placed and necessary power tools I headed off to lunch. As I made my way down the hallway, I ran into my office mate. I tried to avoid him, but given that he is actually a hole in the fabric of space and time he is rather large and difficult to maneuver around.
Now obviously you are asking yourself how I ended up working with a hole in the fabric of space and time instead of say, a human or a relatively competent chimpanzee or dolphin. You see we were put in our small, out of the way office because those evil people over in HR decided that we were both terrible at dealing with customers and fellow employees so we should work well away from the rest of society. I don't exactly see how I fit in with Devin (that's the hole's name, you jerk) but that is okay I am making the best of my situation.
So anyway Devin stops and hands me my dry erase marker and says "Sorry for borrowing it buddy but it was needed in a parallel dimension for most of the morning its mother was sick and dry erase markers are like chemo there" and I nodded and suddenly felt an emotion I have hardly ever experienced. I think it is called remorse. I had remembered what I had done to Devin's desk and felt terrible. I had to keep him away from the office until I could right what was wrong.
"So Devin!" I said quickly, turning him around, "how about we go and get some lunch together?" He hesitated but agreed and fortunately I quickly remembered that Devin was a vegetarian so we couldn't go to the slaughterhouse like I usually did for lunch. "Okay I'm going to go gnaw on the bushes outside for a while" I said, while I quietly congratulated myself for coming up with a great vegetarian meal on such short notice.
Devin seemed okay with it and came out and starting gnawing on the bushes with me. He was getting into it and so I snuck back inside and ran back to the office where, to my surprise, there was a big party of people there with a cake for me! Devin walked in and said "we knew we could set you off by taking that marker so that we could throw you a birthday party" and we all celebrated and ate carrot cake which was delicious and I was so happy.
See everything always works out if you just do whatever you feel like doing with no thoughts about the consequences.
...
Monday, May 10, 2010
A very serious post about serious
Hey team I want to talk about a very serious subject today that is often neglected by the mainstream media and I believe it is very important to look at this issue in another light. In specific, I want to talk about the plight of the lower class and crime; the two are obviously deeply intertwined and I will tell a heart-wrenching story about several people's slow descent into the heinous world of crime - not of their own volition, mind you - they simply had nowhere else to turn in this vicious and unforgiving world.
Each of them had harsh and unforgiving upbringings. The first of the group grew up in a poor foster family in the mountains. She wanted to become a nurse and help people, but that fell through as she could not attend school due to lack of funds and a lack of preparedness from inadequate schooling.
The second in our group grew up in a relatively affluent family, but his parents attempted to force an arranged marriage on him with an evil woman and he had no choice but to emancipate and leave his old life behind. He tried to make a name for himself but ended up on the streets, with nowhere to go.
The third of our group grew up on the streets, completely alone. He worked extremely hard to try to win over the heart of a young woman by spending a considerable amount of time learning and becoming more cultured. She considered him a freak and he returned to the streets, brokenhearted and defeated.
The three united under a common goal; they all wanted to become the best they possibly could and find true happiness with themselves, but their situation prevented it. They persevered and tried their very best, but it just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard they worked, they couldn't quite come to the level of those who were born into good fortune or had exceptional natural abilities. These people weren't stupid or lazy, but they simply weren't quite good enough to make it.
However, they were made an offer they couldn't refuse - an organized crime lord told them they would be able to make all their wildest dreams come true if they helped him steal from unsuspecting and undeserving targets. Each of them wanted happiness and they told themselves "one bad deed and we can make everything right afterwords".
So they tried, and they tried. Each time they were foiled by elements well outside their control. No matter how well-designed their plans or how skillfully they set up their traps, there was always someone in the way to stop them before they could steal what they needed - the one thing they needed to set them free.
They continue to persist and refuse to give up, sinking further into seedier and nastier devices to try to solve their problem. They're desperate and lost, seeking refuge only in hope.
I think that we, as a society, should try to approach these types of criminals and try to rehabilitate them. Nobody treats them nicely or fairly like they so rightfully deserve after so many years of torment.
So, if you are out there, Team Rocket, I hope you catch that Pikachu. You guys deserve it.
Each of them had harsh and unforgiving upbringings. The first of the group grew up in a poor foster family in the mountains. She wanted to become a nurse and help people, but that fell through as she could not attend school due to lack of funds and a lack of preparedness from inadequate schooling.
The second in our group grew up in a relatively affluent family, but his parents attempted to force an arranged marriage on him with an evil woman and he had no choice but to emancipate and leave his old life behind. He tried to make a name for himself but ended up on the streets, with nowhere to go.
The third of our group grew up on the streets, completely alone. He worked extremely hard to try to win over the heart of a young woman by spending a considerable amount of time learning and becoming more cultured. She considered him a freak and he returned to the streets, brokenhearted and defeated.
The three united under a common goal; they all wanted to become the best they possibly could and find true happiness with themselves, but their situation prevented it. They persevered and tried their very best, but it just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard they worked, they couldn't quite come to the level of those who were born into good fortune or had exceptional natural abilities. These people weren't stupid or lazy, but they simply weren't quite good enough to make it.
However, they were made an offer they couldn't refuse - an organized crime lord told them they would be able to make all their wildest dreams come true if they helped him steal from unsuspecting and undeserving targets. Each of them wanted happiness and they told themselves "one bad deed and we can make everything right afterwords".
So they tried, and they tried. Each time they were foiled by elements well outside their control. No matter how well-designed their plans or how skillfully they set up their traps, there was always someone in the way to stop them before they could steal what they needed - the one thing they needed to set them free.
They continue to persist and refuse to give up, sinking further into seedier and nastier devices to try to solve their problem. They're desperate and lost, seeking refuge only in hope.
I think that we, as a society, should try to approach these types of criminals and try to rehabilitate them. Nobody treats them nicely or fairly like they so rightfully deserve after so many years of torment.
So, if you are out there, Team Rocket, I hope you catch that Pikachu. You guys deserve it.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Bugs are terrifying
Hey team so today was a perfectly ordinary day much like any other. Clearly I had just woken up from a 6 month coma which is actually pretty typical for me. Anyhoo I was walking around and admiring the trees and the sky and the birds and the ocean and the desert and the forest. It was a lovely late spring day and I do enjoy the late part of spring because the late part of spring is just great and that may be some circular reasoning but I am not the police today so I cannot arrest myself on that charge.
So I was wandering around and all of a sudden I was ambushed by a mob of tiny little gnats. There were thousands upon millions of them, flying around and being a mild nuisance to me. This was unacceptable and I started flailing about wildly as they began to gain the upper hand on me. "Nooooooooo" I shouted, or something along those lines, "I am being defeat" and they replied "yes yes we are being the win."
Fortunately I had a brilliant plan which could not be foiled by even the toughest of aluminum. I immediately turned into a black hole and sucked in all of the gnats! They were caught completely off-guard and it was a flawless victory! I have plans to teach this self-defense class weekly at the community center for all of those people out there who are afraid of being assaulted by ruthless bug thugs it will be on Tuesday from 2-9 P.M. it is a long class but hey it takes a long time (millions of years) to turn into a black hole so you can't expect it to be an easy transition now can you.
So I was wandering around and all of a sudden I was ambushed by a mob of tiny little gnats. There were thousands upon millions of them, flying around and being a mild nuisance to me. This was unacceptable and I started flailing about wildly as they began to gain the upper hand on me. "Nooooooooo" I shouted, or something along those lines, "I am being defeat" and they replied "yes yes we are being the win."
Fortunately I had a brilliant plan which could not be foiled by even the toughest of aluminum. I immediately turned into a black hole and sucked in all of the gnats! They were caught completely off-guard and it was a flawless victory! I have plans to teach this self-defense class weekly at the community center for all of those people out there who are afraid of being assaulted by ruthless bug thugs it will be on Tuesday from 2-9 P.M. it is a long class but hey it takes a long time (millions of years) to turn into a black hole so you can't expect it to be an easy transition now can you.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Illness is for losers and the sick
Hey team so I kicked the ever-living shit out of swine flu today. I definitely got it, that's for sure. I suppose my invincible immune system was slightly tarnished by the fact that I was run over by a fast-moving car yesterday and despite being a man of steel and beating the shit out of that unsuspecting car door with my knee my knee got a considerable amount of skin torn away and he ran over my foot and cracked some of my toenails (fuck yeah man I get my foot freakin' run over and all it does is crack two of my nails? I should be fist-fighting volcanoes or superman with this power).
So obviously my body has to swarm the fuck out of those injuries and murder the hell out of the bacteria and they didn't have chance but I'm sure they were in cahoots with swine flu since it snuck in while my beastly immune system absolutely ruined those lousy bacteria. But then it's like "oh shit we got swine flu" because the amount of sickly horrible people around me somehow outgunned my perfect hygiene and my weakened immune system.
So this is living proof the swine flu is a danger, nay, a menace to society - if I, a healthy strapping 98 year old with a weakened immune system can get it, who is safe? Who is safe I ask you?
But yeah back to kicking the shit out of it. When I woke up this morning I had a grade-A, magnitude 11 headache from hell and I could tell my immune system was kicking the shit out of everything it was near. I felt groggy and horrible, I had chills, and a powerful fever. It was an uphill battle as swine flu had already taken hold and I basically sat on my ass for 3 hour staring at the ceiling. I didn't move, or do much. I had a muffin.
Then around lunch I decided enough was enough and it was time to bring in the cavalry. I got myself a huge honking block of Colby jack cheese (about 2 pounds) and at all of it in one badass sitting. That's right, I ate about 2000 calories of cheese in about a half hour but I wasn't done. I got myself some strawberry-kiwi juice and some orange juice and some V8 juice. It was time for some motherfucking vitamins. I downed them all in an instant.
I could feel that I was doing better but it wasn't time to quit. The swine flu was drowning and sinking in a tidal wave of killer vitamins in a manner I imagine was quite similar to many of those corny medication commercials about taking care of foot fungus.
So I started yelling. And I mean, yelling yelling. I screamed at the swine flu at the top of my lungs and it was cowering in the corner of my darkest location of my body. It was preparing for a counter-attack, it was time to end this.
I gathered up my battlecruisers and stationed all my siege tanks around his base. He had a tone of spore and sunken colonies left so I couldn't get too close, I had to take my time. He was sending zerglings towards my position like crazy as well as a bunch of mutalisks but they were no chance against my now invincible stronghold. He was out of crystals and vespine gas.
All of a sudden, Captain Vitamins and General Minerals came flying in with hoards of archons and zealots, reaming their ground forces. My battlecruisers move in.
It's all over! Swine flu defeated! 3 hours, no ill-effects, I'm all better. Fuck yeah.
So obviously my body has to swarm the fuck out of those injuries and murder the hell out of the bacteria and they didn't have chance but I'm sure they were in cahoots with swine flu since it snuck in while my beastly immune system absolutely ruined those lousy bacteria. But then it's like "oh shit we got swine flu" because the amount of sickly horrible people around me somehow outgunned my perfect hygiene and my weakened immune system.
So this is living proof the swine flu is a danger, nay, a menace to society - if I, a healthy strapping 98 year old with a weakened immune system can get it, who is safe? Who is safe I ask you?
But yeah back to kicking the shit out of it. When I woke up this morning I had a grade-A, magnitude 11 headache from hell and I could tell my immune system was kicking the shit out of everything it was near. I felt groggy and horrible, I had chills, and a powerful fever. It was an uphill battle as swine flu had already taken hold and I basically sat on my ass for 3 hour staring at the ceiling. I didn't move, or do much. I had a muffin.
Then around lunch I decided enough was enough and it was time to bring in the cavalry. I got myself a huge honking block of Colby jack cheese (about 2 pounds) and at all of it in one badass sitting. That's right, I ate about 2000 calories of cheese in about a half hour but I wasn't done. I got myself some strawberry-kiwi juice and some orange juice and some V8 juice. It was time for some motherfucking vitamins. I downed them all in an instant.
I could feel that I was doing better but it wasn't time to quit. The swine flu was drowning and sinking in a tidal wave of killer vitamins in a manner I imagine was quite similar to many of those corny medication commercials about taking care of foot fungus.
So I started yelling. And I mean, yelling yelling. I screamed at the swine flu at the top of my lungs and it was cowering in the corner of my darkest location of my body. It was preparing for a counter-attack, it was time to end this.
I gathered up my battlecruisers and stationed all my siege tanks around his base. He had a tone of spore and sunken colonies left so I couldn't get too close, I had to take my time. He was sending zerglings towards my position like crazy as well as a bunch of mutalisks but they were no chance against my now invincible stronghold. He was out of crystals and vespine gas.
All of a sudden, Captain Vitamins and General Minerals came flying in with hoards of archons and zealots, reaming their ground forces. My battlecruisers move in.
It's all over! Swine flu defeated! 3 hours, no ill-effects, I'm all better. Fuck yeah.
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