Hey team I want to tell you all a story about my crazy office life I assure it is much more exciting than water coolers and fax machines and staplers it is a story of excitement and romance and comedy all mixed up into some wretched teen comedy starring Michael Cera.
So anyway I working diligently at my desk watching a bootlegged copy of Judge Judy season 143 episode 982 the one where Mon'ique is suing her boyfriend Ba'roque because she gave him money to paint their house but instead he ending up sleeping with prostitutes and quite honestly I don't blame the man it was a legitimate mistake to make and could have happened to anyone. After the episode I go back and count my dry-erase markers like I do every day and I noticed the most horrible thing: one of them was missing.
I knew exactly who did it, too. The only culprit could have been my office mate, who must have stepped in to play the prank on me while I had briefly ducked under my desk for my mid-late-afternoon nap. Now we all like to have a lot of fun and mess around all the time but this had gone way to far and I decided to get my revenge on him by sawing his desk in half.
Content with my work and not particularly phased by the convenient placed and necessary power tools I headed off to lunch. As I made my way down the hallway, I ran into my office mate. I tried to avoid him, but given that he is actually a hole in the fabric of space and time he is rather large and difficult to maneuver around.
Now obviously you are asking yourself how I ended up working with a hole in the fabric of space and time instead of say, a human or a relatively competent chimpanzee or dolphin. You see we were put in our small, out of the way office because those evil people over in HR decided that we were both terrible at dealing with customers and fellow employees so we should work well away from the rest of society. I don't exactly see how I fit in with Devin (that's the hole's name, you jerk) but that is okay I am making the best of my situation.
So anyway Devin stops and hands me my dry erase marker and says "Sorry for borrowing it buddy but it was needed in a parallel dimension for most of the morning its mother was sick and dry erase markers are like chemo there" and I nodded and suddenly felt an emotion I have hardly ever experienced. I think it is called remorse. I had remembered what I had done to Devin's desk and felt terrible. I had to keep him away from the office until I could right what was wrong.
"So Devin!" I said quickly, turning him around, "how about we go and get some lunch together?" He hesitated but agreed and fortunately I quickly remembered that Devin was a vegetarian so we couldn't go to the slaughterhouse like I usually did for lunch. "Okay I'm going to go gnaw on the bushes outside for a while" I said, while I quietly congratulated myself for coming up with a great vegetarian meal on such short notice.
Devin seemed okay with it and came out and starting gnawing on the bushes with me. He was getting into it and so I snuck back inside and ran back to the office where, to my surprise, there was a big party of people there with a cake for me! Devin walked in and said "we knew we could set you off by taking that marker so that we could throw you a birthday party" and we all celebrated and ate carrot cake which was delicious and I was so happy.
See everything always works out if you just do whatever you feel like doing with no thoughts about the consequences.
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