Hey team so I kicked the ever-living shit out of swine flu today. I definitely got it, that's for sure. I suppose my invincible immune system was slightly tarnished by the fact that I was run over by a fast-moving car yesterday and despite being a man of steel and beating the shit out of that unsuspecting car door with my knee my knee got a considerable amount of skin torn away and he ran over my foot and cracked some of my toenails (fuck yeah man I get my foot freakin' run over and all it does is crack two of my nails? I should be fist-fighting volcanoes or superman with this power).
So obviously my body has to swarm the fuck out of those injuries and murder the hell out of the bacteria and they didn't have chance but I'm sure they were in cahoots with swine flu since it snuck in while my beastly immune system absolutely ruined those lousy bacteria. But then it's like "oh shit we got swine flu" because the amount of sickly horrible people around me somehow outgunned my perfect hygiene and my weakened immune system.
So this is living proof the swine flu is a danger, nay, a menace to society - if I, a healthy strapping 98 year old with a weakened immune system can get it, who is safe? Who is safe I ask you?
But yeah back to kicking the shit out of it. When I woke up this morning I had a grade-A, magnitude 11 headache from hell and I could tell my immune system was kicking the shit out of everything it was near. I felt groggy and horrible, I had chills, and a powerful fever. It was an uphill battle as swine flu had already taken hold and I basically sat on my ass for 3 hour staring at the ceiling. I didn't move, or do much. I had a muffin.
Then around lunch I decided enough was enough and it was time to bring in the cavalry. I got myself a huge honking block of Colby jack cheese (about 2 pounds) and at all of it in one badass sitting. That's right, I ate about 2000 calories of cheese in about a half hour but I wasn't done. I got myself some strawberry-kiwi juice and some orange juice and some V8 juice. It was time for some motherfucking vitamins. I downed them all in an instant.
I could feel that I was doing better but it wasn't time to quit. The swine flu was drowning and sinking in a tidal wave of killer vitamins in a manner I imagine was quite similar to many of those corny medication commercials about taking care of foot fungus.
So I started yelling. And I mean, yelling yelling. I screamed at the swine flu at the top of my lungs and it was cowering in the corner of my darkest location of my body. It was preparing for a counter-attack, it was time to end this.
I gathered up my battlecruisers and stationed all my siege tanks around his base. He had a tone of spore and sunken colonies left so I couldn't get too close, I had to take my time. He was sending zerglings towards my position like crazy as well as a bunch of mutalisks but they were no chance against my now invincible stronghold. He was out of crystals and vespine gas.
All of a sudden, Captain Vitamins and General Minerals came flying in with hoards of archons and zealots, reaming their ground forces. My battlecruisers move in.
It's all over! Swine flu defeated! 3 hours, no ill-effects, I'm all better. Fuck yeah.
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