The worst ear worm in the world

Hey team I really need your help badly today. I'm sure most of you have had the experience where a song is stuck in your head and try as you might you just cannot get it out of your head. That is a frustrating experience, I know.

Sometimes this phenomenon is coupled with the inability to recognize the song, which makes it even worse. You have this catchy tune eating away at little bits of your consciousness and you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what it is from.

I have this problem today. And yesterday, and the day before, and before, and so on and whatnot. Nearly a week now I have been plagued by this evil sound in my mind tearing at my sanity. Here's where it gets even worse though - not only can I not identify the source of the sound, it doesn't sound anything like anything I have experienced before in my entire life.

It's not a song, or a tune, or some lyrics, it's just a very short sound bite that has been on an infinite two-second loop inside my head and it's driving me stark raving mad. It doesn't sound like anything I should conceivably try to describe in words, but I need your help and so there is no other alternative.

It sounds pretty much exactly like a whale with asthma (can whales even get asthma? I must find this out) humming towards a microphone hidden behind a fan. I hope you get the picture from this.

I've tried so many things to figure out what it is. Just last night I called up my buddy Freddy Krueger and had him come into my dream to listen to the sound with me, which is pretty much playing non-stop in my dreams as well as my reality.

"Shit man," Freddy said, "I can't even begin to imagine what this is and I live in the collective imagination of pretty much everyone in the world damn. It sounds a bit like a sports car revving its engine in a wind tunnel but at the same time sounds like a seagull trapped underneath my aunt's motor home futilely attempting to play a sitar and coming to the unfortunate realization that he doesn't have thumbs."

"I know right;" I said, "although maybe it is a choir of monks who are fleeing the approaching tornado but need to complete their chant before being sucked into the vortex."

"That's an entirely reasonable conclusion." Freddy said thoughtfully, scratching his chin.

Guys seriously Freddy Krueger couldn't even help me I need your help just come on into my thoughts and we will work on this together this is going to drive me insane.

The Prisoner's Dilemma

Hey team so today I was sitting inside of a Starbucks working on my infinitely recursive screenplay about working in a Starbucks and I was having an intriguing conversation with myself.

"Hey," I said, "I've got an interesting an wonderful paradox for you."

"A most ingenious paradox?" I asked.

"Yes, a most ingenious paradox." I replied.

"But I wasn't born on a leap year"

"What?"

"Nevermind, what is your paradox?"

"Okay," I said, "if you were tasked with being on a firing squad and you had to execute a prisoner, when would you shoot?"

I thought carefully for a second. "I guess I would shoot last out of all the executioners."

I laughed. "Excellent!" I love it when people figure out my riddles. "Now why would you choose to shoot last?"

"Well, I suppose I would want to be the last person to shoot because they would most likely be dead by the time my shot burrowed into them. This helps me out, morally speaking, because I would be the least likely to have killed the prisoner."

"Exactly!" I yelled, getting even more excited. "But here comes the issue. What if all the guards know they should shoot last?"

"Well," I scratched my chin, deeply in thought, "I guess nobody would shoot at all since they would all be trying to be the last of the group to shoot the prisoner!"

"Correct once again!"

"And if that were the case the prisoner can be content knowing he will never be executed!"

"Oooh, no, no, not at all." I said in disbelief. "The prisoner will be constantly terrified with the knowledge that his death could, nay, will be imminent!"

"But wait," I said, "that can't be. We will all be vying for the golden opportunity to shoot him last. Nobody will shoot."

"Aren't you forgetting the most important element in this fine doozy of a situation? People are jerks, and the prisoner knows this! It's only a matter of time before the charade of moral responsibility is dropped and the truly horrible nature of humanity is revealed"

"Aha just like in that one book I read"

"Which book?"

"I don't know, pick one. You've got like a 50 percent chance that's the theme." I said, sipping my mocha latte supreme baha fajita in a very hip manner.

"Oh, right."

We sat in awkward silence for a few long moments. I gazed into my eyes and I could tell I was deep in thought.

"That's a helluva paradox, friend." I nodded happily, completely oblivious to the incredulous stares of every single customer at Starbucks. Clearly they were interested in my screenplay.

Look at this existentialism I could spend hours breaking this down

Hey team life can sometimes be difficult as a robot working on an assembly line. I sometimes feel saddened by the fact that I don't seem to have any purpose in life other than to create things for others. Although it does seem to be a common theme in many sappy Christmas specials that it is better to give than to receive and that everyone feels better by making others feel better, but we autonomous limbs really need to feel loved sometimes too.

So I turned to Jeff the assembly line worker next to me who is a nice man in his 40s with 3 kids and lives a decent although blue collar life and said "Jeff, do you ever sometimes stop and wonder if you could do more with your life? Like, seriously, take everything to the next level and uproot yourself from the factory floor and go write a screenplay and live your dreams or something?"

Jeff turned to me and said "Hey I don't think you can talk"

"Oh yeah hahaha whoops I forgot" I replied and went back to my work.

You should always derive major life lessons from dream sequences

Hey team so last night I was asleep and having what I could only describe as an attempted nightmare. There was some sort of horrible ghastly demon thing that was following me and telling me horrible repressed truths about myself that I know are true but refuse to admit because it's the only way I can feel good about myself.

Fortunately for me, however, I seemed entirely disinterested in all the horrible ghouls and creatures wandering around. I just sat there, humming along gaily and I could tell the evil spirits were getting frustrated. Eventually they had no choice but to give up and leave me alone entirely.

So the moral of the story you should take away from this kids is that apathy is the best weapon towards anything. Bullies? Ignore 'em until they go away! Psychotic evil dictators? If you don't give them any attention, they'll get bored and find someone else to pick on! Crazed Viking warriors pillaging your town? Just sit on the corpses of your family and sing a merry tune!

Papers and copiers and printers and faxes oh yes!

Hey team I want to tell you all a story about my crazy office life I assure it is much more exciting than water coolers and fax machines and staplers it is a story of excitement and romance and comedy all mixed up into some wretched teen comedy starring Michael Cera.

So anyway I working diligently at my desk watching a bootlegged copy of Judge Judy season 143 episode 982 the one where Mon'ique is suing her boyfriend Ba'roque because she gave him money to  paint their house but instead he ending up sleeping with prostitutes and quite honestly I don't blame the man it was a legitimate mistake to make and could have happened to anyone. After the episode I go back and count my dry-erase markers like I do every day and I noticed the most horrible thing: one of them was missing.

I knew exactly who did it, too. The only culprit could have been my office mate, who must have stepped in to play the prank on me while I had briefly ducked under my desk for my mid-late-afternoon nap. Now we all like to have a lot of fun and mess around all the time but this had gone way to far and I decided to get my revenge on him by sawing his desk in half.

Content with my work and not particularly phased by the convenient placed and necessary power tools I headed off to lunch. As I made my way down the hallway, I ran into my office mate. I tried to avoid him, but given that he is actually a hole in the fabric of space and time he is rather large and difficult to maneuver around.

Now obviously you are asking yourself how I ended up working with a hole in the fabric of space and time instead of say, a human or a relatively competent chimpanzee or dolphin. You see we were put in our small, out of the way office because those evil people over in HR decided that we were both terrible at dealing with customers and fellow employees so we should work well away from the rest of society. I don't exactly see how I fit in with Devin (that's the hole's name, you jerk) but that is okay I am making the best of my situation.

So anyway Devin stops and hands me my dry erase marker and says "Sorry for borrowing it buddy but it was needed in a parallel dimension for most of the morning its mother was sick and dry erase markers are like chemo there" and I nodded and suddenly felt an emotion I have hardly ever experienced. I think it is called remorse. I had remembered what I had done to Devin's desk and felt terrible. I had to keep him away from the office until I could right what was wrong.

"So Devin!" I said quickly, turning him around, "how about we go and get some lunch together?" He hesitated but agreed and fortunately I quickly remembered that Devin was a vegetarian so we couldn't go to the slaughterhouse like I usually did for lunch. "Okay I'm going to go gnaw on the bushes outside for a while" I said, while I quietly congratulated myself for coming up with a great vegetarian meal on such short notice.

Devin seemed okay with it and came out and starting gnawing on the bushes with me. He was getting into it and so I snuck back inside and ran back to the office where, to my surprise, there was a big party of people there with a cake for me! Devin walked in and said "we knew we could set you off by taking that marker so that we could throw you a birthday party" and we all celebrated and ate carrot cake which was delicious and I was so happy.

See everything always works out if you just do whatever you feel like doing with no thoughts about the consequences.

...

A very serious post about serious

Hey team I want to talk about a very serious subject today that is often neglected by the mainstream media and I believe it is very important to look at this issue in another light. In specific, I want to talk about the plight of the lower class and crime; the two are obviously deeply intertwined and I will tell a heart-wrenching story about several people's slow descent into the heinous world of crime - not of their own volition, mind you - they simply had nowhere else to turn in this vicious and unforgiving world.

Each of them had harsh and unforgiving upbringings. The first of the group grew up in a poor foster family in the mountains. She wanted to become a nurse and help people, but that fell through as she could not attend school due to lack of funds and a lack of preparedness from inadequate schooling.

The second in our group grew up in a relatively affluent family, but his parents attempted to force an arranged marriage on him with an evil woman and he had no choice but to emancipate and leave his old life behind. He tried to make a name for himself but ended up on the streets, with nowhere to go.

The third of our group grew up on the streets, completely alone. He worked extremely hard to try to win over the heart of a young woman by spending a considerable amount of time learning and becoming more cultured. She considered him a freak and he returned to the streets, brokenhearted and defeated.

The three united under a common goal; they all wanted to become the best they possibly could and find true happiness with themselves, but their situation prevented it. They persevered and tried their very best, but it just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard they worked, they couldn't quite come to the level of those who were born into good fortune or had exceptional natural abilities. These people weren't stupid or lazy, but they simply weren't quite good enough to make it.

However, they were made an offer they couldn't refuse - an organized crime lord told them they would be able to make all their wildest dreams come true if they helped him steal from unsuspecting and undeserving targets. Each of them wanted happiness and they told themselves "one bad deed and we can make everything right afterwords".

So they tried, and they tried. Each time they were foiled by elements well outside their control. No matter how well-designed their plans or how skillfully they set up their traps, there was always someone in the way to stop them before they could steal what they needed - the one thing they needed to set them free.

They continue to persist and refuse to give up, sinking further into seedier and nastier devices to try to solve their problem. They're desperate and lost, seeking refuge only in hope.

I think that we, as a society, should try to approach these types of criminals and try to rehabilitate them. Nobody treats them nicely or fairly like they so rightfully deserve after so many years of torment.

So, if you are out there, Team Rocket, I hope you catch that Pikachu. You guys deserve it.

Bugs are terrifying

Hey team so today was a perfectly ordinary day much like any other. Clearly I had just woken up from a 6 month coma which is actually pretty typical for me. Anyhoo I was walking around and admiring the trees and the sky and the birds and the ocean and the desert and the forest. It was a lovely late spring day and I do enjoy the late part of spring because the late part of spring is just great and that may be some circular reasoning but I am not the police today so I cannot arrest myself on that charge.

So I was wandering around and all of a sudden I was ambushed by a mob of tiny little gnats. There were thousands upon millions of them, flying around and being a mild nuisance to me. This was unacceptable and I started flailing about wildly as they began to gain the upper hand on me. "Nooooooooo" I shouted, or something along those lines, "I am being defeat" and they replied "yes yes we are being the win."

Fortunately I had a brilliant plan which could not be foiled by even the toughest of aluminum. I immediately turned into a black hole and sucked in all of the gnats! They were caught completely off-guard and it was a flawless victory! I have plans to teach this self-defense class weekly at the community center for all of those people out there who are afraid of being assaulted by ruthless bug thugs it will be on Tuesday from 2-9 P.M. it is a long class but hey it takes a long time (millions of years) to turn into a black hole so you can't expect it to be an easy transition now can you.