Hey team you know what really drives me up a wall? The weather. I know, I know, everyone needs something they can make small talk with every other person on Earth with but I want to have a serious conversation about the weather with you. I know I am not the only person who has these meticulous, bizarre, and almost neurotic complaints about the weather.
I really really can't stand storms. Storms are great and all, but they just don't do it for me. After seeing what can be made in Hollywood these days I just have to look up at the humongous bolts of horrifying and mystically powerful electricity flashing through the sky and shake my head because, come on nature, that is pretty lame. Mother nature really has to start hiring some better special effects people to make storms a little more than a pain in my ass.
What we really need is technicolor explosive lightning. Yes, I know some things explode when lighting strikes them but lightning seriously needs to blow up the cloud it was born from. I'm not even sure why it doesn't, and according to my cousin who is an expert scientist not even Science knows how clouds survive being struck by lighting but once again nature I have to say that is pretty lame that you can't even kill a white fluffy marshmallow in the sky. Oh right the technicolor is also important; if you can't put on a light show at least as impressive as your average Pink Floyd concert you don't deserve to be putting on a light show at all.
Then we really have to do something about hurricanes. Right now they pose a threat to about 2% of the entire world. That is right 2% according to my friend which means that if the world has 7 billion people only 140 million are threatened by hurricanes. Come on! That's chump change! That's like if I said I was a natural disaster by stepping on an anthill and now terrified meteorologist ants are pointing wildly at green screens showing predicted levels of foot carnage in the next few days right after adjusting their cute ant toupee.
What we need to do to make hurricanes really threatening is to equip them with the latest catastrophe-causing technology. That's right, we're going to give growth hormones and genetic therapy to hurricanes in order to make them grow into the most powerful overlords of all time. If all goes as planned as we isolate the killer horrible gene on hurricanes and we allow it to mate with all of the horrible pestilences of the world we will finally be able to grow hurricanes. The hurricane industry will then be rapidly monopolized by Chinese hurricane farmers who will blend it with their cultural heritage, sweet and sour sauce, pork imitation substance, and MSG.
Finally, once hurricanes are being produced more rapidly than sandpaper and bred to have more ferocity and aggression than my dryer (it has taken the washer hostage in my laundry room, I believe the standoff is on Channel 3 right about now) they will come and unleash their unholy fury.
Instead of rain the most horrible things imaginable will fall from the sky; teeth, barbed wire, sharks, rusty nails, candlelight dinners, sports cars, delightful water lilies, the pleasant aroma of your plump and cheerful aunt baking a cake, the cutest puppies imaginable, that toy you really really wanted for Christmas but your parents were too cheap to buy, sunshine, and concentrated happiness. Then hurricanes will be truly terrifying because you know they are going to hold this over your head and when you try to misbehave they will say "well what about when we gave you that adorable puppy huh?" and then you will feel bad and do as they say.
Mother nature I am calling you out. You really need to shape up and start giving us storms that really challenge the existence of human life. If you don't read this and start making some of these changes in the next few years I will have no choice but to throw a coup, and boy oh boy won't you be sorry you don't have homing tornadoes that are on fire and shoot more tornadoes.
Showing posts with label science science science sergeant fat people. Show all posts
Showing posts with label science science science sergeant fat people. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
I am very inconsiderate
Okay team listen up and listen up good my name is Sergeant Old MacDonald and I swear to god if one more snot-nosed little punk comes up to me and tries to do that "E-I-E-I-O" I'll rip out their spleen and put it up in their sternum! I'm here today to tell you about everything there is in the world of fat and just how dangerous the world of fat can be and I will be very serious about it so no joke telling and no smiling and perfect posture and brushed teeth and perfect flossing because you know that dental health is just as important as real health because even if you look like a supermodel stud if you have bad teeth nobody will kiss you so you'll just get laid without love and nobody wants that.
The world of fat is a dangerous and mysterious one but due to recent scientific breakthroughs as a result of McDonald's and not coincidentally sponsored by McDonald's we have learned a lot more about fat people because there are so many fat people in the world today. Why, just this week I was on the street and I could have stood there all day counting fat people going by but I didn't because the manager told me that I had to buy something once every three hours to sit in the restaurant and so I went in to the bathroom and stole the soap dispenser and walked out while holding down the "dispense" key and leaving a trail of hand soap all over the floor. I'm so mischievous.
Oh, yes, but back to the world of fat. Like I said, there's so many fat people nowadays that it's really easy to study them, or so I thought. I thought long and hard about how to study them in great detail and learn why they are fat and how they are fat and when they are fat and who they are fat and where they are fat and so I came to the wonderful conclusion of using the scientific method, an archaic and useless method that scientists used to follow when conducting experiments. My experiment was going to be simple: I would return to that nameless restaurant that was McDonald's and watch the fat people until one of them challenged me to a fight or talked to me or something but this time I would wear a white lab coat so that everyone, even that little punk manager would know that I was up to science.
I watched and I waited for hours and, to my surprise, no fat people physically assaulted me. I was frankly surprised because, as a buff and outstanding member of the community and clearly a scientist I thought I would be intimidating to their primal alpha male instincts. But no, these new breeds of fat people are much more timid and do not respond to heckling or flexing contests in the way they used to. You see, I would know. I have a great confession to make.
There was a time when I was severely overweight and lived off of greasy food and grease from other locations and axle grease which doesn't sound good but put it on a hamburger and mmmhmmm that's tasty. I was a fighting fatty, though, and I was always trying to fight the buff guys at my school who threw me in a locker and laughed when I didn't fit and then I cried. It was a sad day. But I got back at those jocks really good when I became a drill sergeant and kicked all their asses when they signed up to join the army. Hahaha now you know why all us drill sergeants are so mean because we used to be fat and you picked on us!
But back to my experiments. I learned that fat people thrive off of simply the smell of grease and not necessarily the taste. It's like nicotine, only it doesn't make any sense and has no scientific evidence to support it. I propose that we use my newest invention, the fat patch. It goes on like a nicotine patch and dispenses a greasy odor into the air and also forces an air strike on the nearest fast food restaurant. Holy shit, that would be so cool; I really want it to do that. And then when they go for food at their nearest restaurant of fat and death and diabetes they would cry because it went out of business because they tried to get off their food!
And then the underworld crime agencies would start making fast food and sell it for hundreds an ounce and it will become like cannabis or Marijuana to you young folks and then the economy would prosper. I'm a fucking genius. It's all because of the white lab coat.
But, ahem, I got side tracked. The true nature of my experiment proved that fat people do exist and so I can safely say that this myth is plausible.
The world of fat is a dangerous and mysterious one but due to recent scientific breakthroughs as a result of McDonald's and not coincidentally sponsored by McDonald's we have learned a lot more about fat people because there are so many fat people in the world today. Why, just this week I was on the street and I could have stood there all day counting fat people going by but I didn't because the manager told me that I had to buy something once every three hours to sit in the restaurant and so I went in to the bathroom and stole the soap dispenser and walked out while holding down the "dispense" key and leaving a trail of hand soap all over the floor. I'm so mischievous.
Oh, yes, but back to the world of fat. Like I said, there's so many fat people nowadays that it's really easy to study them, or so I thought. I thought long and hard about how to study them in great detail and learn why they are fat and how they are fat and when they are fat and who they are fat and where they are fat and so I came to the wonderful conclusion of using the scientific method, an archaic and useless method that scientists used to follow when conducting experiments. My experiment was going to be simple: I would return to that nameless restaurant that was McDonald's and watch the fat people until one of them challenged me to a fight or talked to me or something but this time I would wear a white lab coat so that everyone, even that little punk manager would know that I was up to science.
I watched and I waited for hours and, to my surprise, no fat people physically assaulted me. I was frankly surprised because, as a buff and outstanding member of the community and clearly a scientist I thought I would be intimidating to their primal alpha male instincts. But no, these new breeds of fat people are much more timid and do not respond to heckling or flexing contests in the way they used to. You see, I would know. I have a great confession to make.
There was a time when I was severely overweight and lived off of greasy food and grease from other locations and axle grease which doesn't sound good but put it on a hamburger and mmmhmmm that's tasty. I was a fighting fatty, though, and I was always trying to fight the buff guys at my school who threw me in a locker and laughed when I didn't fit and then I cried. It was a sad day. But I got back at those jocks really good when I became a drill sergeant and kicked all their asses when they signed up to join the army. Hahaha now you know why all us drill sergeants are so mean because we used to be fat and you picked on us!
But back to my experiments. I learned that fat people thrive off of simply the smell of grease and not necessarily the taste. It's like nicotine, only it doesn't make any sense and has no scientific evidence to support it. I propose that we use my newest invention, the fat patch. It goes on like a nicotine patch and dispenses a greasy odor into the air and also forces an air strike on the nearest fast food restaurant. Holy shit, that would be so cool; I really want it to do that. And then when they go for food at their nearest restaurant of fat and death and diabetes they would cry because it went out of business because they tried to get off their food!
And then the underworld crime agencies would start making fast food and sell it for hundreds an ounce and it will become like cannabis or Marijuana to you young folks and then the economy would prosper. I'm a fucking genius. It's all because of the white lab coat.
But, ahem, I got side tracked. The true nature of my experiment proved that fat people do exist and so I can safely say that this myth is plausible.
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