When it's sunny I feel like I have to go outside otherwise I'm lazy

Hey team you know what really drives me up a wall? The weather. I know, I know, everyone needs something they can make small talk with every other person on Earth with but I want to have a serious conversation about the weather with you. I know I am not the only person who has these meticulous, bizarre, and almost neurotic complaints about the weather.

I really really can't stand storms. Storms are great and all, but they just don't do it for me. After seeing what can be made in Hollywood these days I just have to look up at the humongous bolts of horrifying and mystically powerful electricity flashing through the sky and shake my head because, come on nature, that is pretty lame. Mother nature really has to start hiring some better special effects people to make storms a little more than a pain in my ass.

What we really need is technicolor explosive lightning. Yes, I know some things explode when lighting strikes them but lightning seriously needs to blow up the cloud it was born from. I'm not even sure why it doesn't, and according to my cousin who is an expert scientist not even Science knows how clouds survive being struck by lighting but once again nature I have to say that is pretty lame that you can't even kill a white fluffy marshmallow in the sky. Oh right the technicolor is also important; if you can't put on a light show at least as impressive as your average Pink Floyd concert you don't deserve to be putting on a light show at all.

Then we really have to do something about hurricanes. Right now they pose a threat to about 2% of the entire world. That is right 2% according to my friend which means that if the world has 7 billion people only 140 million are threatened by hurricanes. Come on! That's chump change! That's like if I said I was a natural disaster by stepping on an anthill and now terrified meteorologist ants are pointing wildly at green screens showing predicted levels of foot carnage in the next few days right after adjusting their cute ant toupee.

What we need to do to make hurricanes really threatening is to equip them with the latest catastrophe-causing technology. That's right, we're going to give growth hormones and genetic therapy to hurricanes in order to make them grow into the most powerful overlords of all time. If all goes as planned as we isolate the killer horrible gene on hurricanes and we allow it to mate with all of the horrible pestilences of the world we will finally be able to grow hurricanes. The hurricane industry will then be rapidly monopolized by Chinese hurricane farmers who will blend it with their cultural heritage, sweet and sour sauce, pork imitation substance, and MSG.

Finally, once hurricanes are being produced more rapidly than sandpaper and bred to have more ferocity and aggression than my dryer (it has taken the washer hostage in my laundry room, I believe the standoff is on Channel 3 right about now) they will come and unleash their unholy fury.

Instead of rain the most horrible things imaginable will fall from the sky; teeth, barbed wire, sharks, rusty nails, candlelight dinners, sports cars, delightful water lilies, the pleasant aroma of your plump and cheerful aunt baking a cake, the cutest puppies imaginable, that toy you really really wanted for Christmas but your parents were too cheap to buy, sunshine, and concentrated happiness. Then hurricanes will be truly terrifying because you know they are going to hold this over your head and when you try to misbehave they will say "well what about when we gave you that adorable puppy huh?" and then you will feel bad and do as they say.

Mother nature I am calling you out. You really need to shape up and start giving us storms that really challenge the existence of human life. If you don't read this and start making some of these changes in the next few years I will have no choice but to throw a coup, and boy oh boy won't you be sorry you don't have homing tornadoes that are on fire and shoot more tornadoes.

That's how I beat Shaq

Hey team so today I was watching ABC and a fantastic show was being shown called "Shaq Vs." wherein Shaquille of Neal plays sports other than basketball against the best players in that respective sport stating that it is the best crossfit exercise possible for him to be ready to play more basketball in the coming season which may in fact be his last and he continues on to lament that this may be his last chance to win an NBA championship which drew some sympathy from me until several minutes later when the announcers confirmed that he has in fact already won four making it less of a comeback kid down and out under and over story and more of a hey I'm gloating here pay attention to me again kind of story.

But aside from that it was very entertaining watching the man I only know from seeing the cinematic masterpiece Kazaam try and play sports where he was clearly not nearly as talented in but still pretty good at them because hey well I mean look at him he's in pretty great shape and he's pretty huge and is still a professional athlete so he's not completely out of his league against other athletes even if they are better at their respective sport.

However watching this and seeing how easy it was for Kazaam the genie to jump up over the beach volleyball net which we were constantly reminded was only a couple inches taller than the big man himself by him and the announcers and the other players because well he's big and they don't want people to forget that but I thought that maybe I should be the one to challenge Shaq at a sport I knew I'd be able to beat him in which would be pretty impressive since I am clearly a greasy fat shit who sits and blogs all day only opening the blinds to adjust the clock on my computer which I do three times a day just in case because I'm not too trusting of this new technologies.

So I did what any normal person would do and I called Shaq up and did some trash talking and called him names for about 20 minutes before I realized that I had dialed the wrong number and apologized and hung up and then tried again and the same thing happened and it was then that I finally realized that I didn't know Shaq's phone number because hey why the hell would I?

After many hours of work I tracked Shaq down using advanced tracking techniques passed down by my Inuit grandmother and Cherokee grandmother and my Bloodhound grandmother in that I read his twitter page until I figured out where he was. Then, in classic hip-hop style I got my boom box and put in Aaron Carter's hit single "That's how I beat Shaq" and went up to Shaq and yelled "Hey Shaq man why don't you try and play against me in my sport unless you are very scared which I anticipate you will be"

Of course being Shaq he was not at all scared and approached me and asked me what my sport was and I was nervous but I held my ground and said "blogging is my sport it requires a lot of hand-eye coordination" and he nodded his head in agreement he has a twitter page he knows how brutal that workout can be.

So the competition was set we were each given a week to get in shape for it and I practiced blogging like crazy and so did Shaq and we blogged about everything I mean everything that happened in our daily lives and we wrote pages upon pages of worthless pages about sitting on the patio and blogging throwing us into some kind of horrible recursion situation where the only thing to blog about was blogging which only led to more blogging but it was okay we were rescued when the time finally came to start the competition.

Shaq began writing about a delicious barbecue grill he ate the night before and I knew I would have to come up with something fast since barbecues are pretty impressive events to blog about since you have so many great orators sharing the stories of their pasts so I immediately set to work on this article which is at this point a horrible self-fulfilling prophecy since I already wrote the title and I already decided on the ending for this piece.

Unfortunately for the universe it had a different ending in mind and since it is actually physically impossible for the universe to disagree with a blogger champion like me (it was proven by Karl Friedrich Gauss in 1823) it started to collapse upon itself and Shaq cursed as the horrible black hole sucked up the last remaining bits of the universe as well as his career and I yelled back "That's how I beat Shaq" and looked at Aaron Carter next to me and he nodded with his annoying boy band smile.