Hey team today while I was doing my laundry I noticed that I had an odd number of socks in my clean laundry. Looking several weeks into the future I realized this trend was going to continue and it concerned me greatly. I believe this also happened in the past (although I can't be sure as the time machine store has banned me from their premises) but I never noticed because when I do laundry I usually just throw my clean laundry wildly on the floor or in mud puddles because I am terrified of things that are too clean but I am working on my phobia and was putting away laundry this week.
It simply doesn't seem reasonable to me that I can end up with an odd number of socks because I had my third foot amputated years ago and therefore am always wearing an even number of socks on any given laundry week. I decided to go and ask my laundry machine about it.
"Mr. Machine," I said, "would you like to get some tea?" I was trying to ease him into it I know that losing laundry is a very big deal for a lot of machines and they are often uncomfortable talking about it.
The machine looked at me, roared loudly, and ate a significant portion of my forearm.
I laughed. Oh laundry machines, they're so crazy. He did want some of the tea so I poured him a glass of herbal "hipster" tea which washing machines are fond of. We continued talking and after a lovely conversation about our common interests (who knew that washing machines also love Harry Potter?) I started to ease him into the conversation about socks.
"So Mr. Machine, do you know what could have happened to some of my socks? Like, say (2*n)-1 socks, where n is a positive integer?" I asked, choosing my words carefully as to not offend him.
He growled again and tried to lunge at me but I backed away a bit this time and he missed. Now that he had moved a little more into the light from the dimly lit dungeon that is my laundry room I realized that my laundry machine is actually a small pack of lions.
I absolutely cannot fault their efficiency at washing clothes as my clothes always have come out very clean, if a bit torn, but the hassle of losing socks sometimes just isn't worth it. I would not recommend this product.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
My bad days seem to be significantly worse than other folks'
Hey team today began as a pretty good day all around. I initially thought that I had megacancer but my doctor told me it was a bug bite and then I went off to the grocery store and they had a 10/10$ deal on human kidneys and I just knew that it would work great with my Halloween costume.
Then everything just started going downhill from there. I was skipping down the highway when a bunch of construction workers stopped me and asked if I minded doing some work for them. I said I didn't and they handed me a sign (and told me to go and stand about 100 cubits down the road because I guess these guys were ancient Egyptian construction workers or something.
So I wander on down the road to what I think is 100 cubits and these guys just start yelling at me and are like "no no noooo what are you doing we are measuring in royal cubits you are throwing traffic off like crazy" and sure enough I looked behind me and there was already an impressive 27 car pileup with a pretty awesome fire going.
So these people are all yelling at me and some of them are on fire but as they run by frantically they look back at me with disgust and I hang my head in sorrow. I could only think of one solution to a problem like this and so I asked them "Hey do you guys want to get some ice cream?"
Everyone cheered and we went to get ice cream and that was a lot of fun but I guess I still have to definitively prove to you that my day went downhill so I will say that an evil and clearly corrupt constable stole my ice cream and put me in jail for destroying a bunch of cars and people.
Then everything just started going downhill from there. I was skipping down the highway when a bunch of construction workers stopped me and asked if I minded doing some work for them. I said I didn't and they handed me a sign (and told me to go and stand about 100 cubits down the road because I guess these guys were ancient Egyptian construction workers or something.
So I wander on down the road to what I think is 100 cubits and these guys just start yelling at me and are like "no no noooo what are you doing we are measuring in royal cubits you are throwing traffic off like crazy" and sure enough I looked behind me and there was already an impressive 27 car pileup with a pretty awesome fire going.
So these people are all yelling at me and some of them are on fire but as they run by frantically they look back at me with disgust and I hang my head in sorrow. I could only think of one solution to a problem like this and so I asked them "Hey do you guys want to get some ice cream?"
Everyone cheered and we went to get ice cream and that was a lot of fun but I guess I still have to definitively prove to you that my day went downhill so I will say that an evil and clearly corrupt constable stole my ice cream and put me in jail for destroying a bunch of cars and people.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
This works even better if you imagine Hulk Hogan doing everything
Hey team are you ready for the second excerpt from my novel?
Doctor Hogan rushed through the E.R. with a terrified look on his face. The number of people who had ingested the popcorn kernels was growing and the unrelenting summer heat was causing the most extreme buttery diarrhea anyone had ever seen. It was flowing as freely and unstoppably as a flow of fresh lava from the nearby volcano.
On top of all of their problems at the hospital, Doctor Hogan had an incredibly large problem with his largely female and largely sexy hospital staff who were all concurrently suing him for sexual harassment and discriminatory policies, putting him several hundred trillion dollars in debt. Fortunately for Doctor Hogan this was the future and dollars were being traded in the millions for something as simple as penny gum.
He was also waiting for a new arrival from the nearby death hospital to bring back a person who wasn't actually dead but very close. They were being helicoptered in from the cemetery and he watched as the helicopter carrying the poor man was being pursued by the poisonous man-eating flying jellyfish doing all it could, with it's 14 main machine guns firing away at the gelatinous monsters. The bullets shot streams of jelly flying outwards in a most magnificent light show but the mutant jellyfish had already discovered bio-regeneration tablets and simply shooting the beasts wasn't going to be enough to stop their assault.
Doctor Hogan's molecular dis-integrator was largely ineffective at ranges greater than 200 meters and he was helpless as he watched the helicopter fight valiantly to stay aloft with the mighty jellyfish firing lightning from their tentacles and eyes which would create massive, earth-shattering explosions off of the helicopter's fusion energy shield but that was going to give way if it took any more damage.
He would have to rely on the good old fashioned way of fighting back at the jellyfish and so he mounted his great woolly mammoth and signaled it forward. This was a matter of life and death and Doctor Hogan cared about his patient.
The mammoth's giant flaming tusks burrowed into the closest jellyfish monster and it exploded with such ferocious force that Doctor Hogan was almost sent careening off into the deep abyss below. He stabled himself and had the mammoth charge once again, but this time the jellyfish were ready.
They blinded the mammoth using their powerful laser rays and twirled around until a great tornado was created that started to suck the mammoth off of the ground and send him flying. Doctor Hogan, using his unbreakable masculinity, leaped from the mammoth right before it collided into a massive jellyfish who was also caught in the tornado creating a massive explosion of sickly green and deep, ominous black. He landed precariously on a nearby jellyfish and smashed his powerful masculine fist into the creature as it let out a sickening roar.
The helicopter was now trying to get Doctor Hogan to come aboard as the jellyfish were retreating from the deadly radioactive fumes and they fired all 29 guns in such a way as to build a bullet ladder for Doctor Hogan to run up to the helicopter on.
He finally got up into the helicopter, jumping on a small 50 millimeter bullet for the last step up into the loading bay. He said in his very low, dreamy voice: "Is this the dude that you wanted me to treat?"
The helicopter's operators all nodded and the Doctor sauntered casually over to the body strapped down to the table.
"This is the wrong dude" He noted.
Click for bigger and more awesome
Hey team guess what this post also has the amazing distinction of having artwork to accompany it. Artwork that is manly and awesome. Dan drew it. Dan also didn't leave me any links or anything else to accredit him, but just know that Dan did it. If you know anyone named Dan, give them a hug. A manly hug, though.
Doctor Hogan rushed through the E.R. with a terrified look on his face. The number of people who had ingested the popcorn kernels was growing and the unrelenting summer heat was causing the most extreme buttery diarrhea anyone had ever seen. It was flowing as freely and unstoppably as a flow of fresh lava from the nearby volcano.
On top of all of their problems at the hospital, Doctor Hogan had an incredibly large problem with his largely female and largely sexy hospital staff who were all concurrently suing him for sexual harassment and discriminatory policies, putting him several hundred trillion dollars in debt. Fortunately for Doctor Hogan this was the future and dollars were being traded in the millions for something as simple as penny gum.
He was also waiting for a new arrival from the nearby death hospital to bring back a person who wasn't actually dead but very close. They were being helicoptered in from the cemetery and he watched as the helicopter carrying the poor man was being pursued by the poisonous man-eating flying jellyfish doing all it could, with it's 14 main machine guns firing away at the gelatinous monsters. The bullets shot streams of jelly flying outwards in a most magnificent light show but the mutant jellyfish had already discovered bio-regeneration tablets and simply shooting the beasts wasn't going to be enough to stop their assault.
Doctor Hogan's molecular dis-integrator was largely ineffective at ranges greater than 200 meters and he was helpless as he watched the helicopter fight valiantly to stay aloft with the mighty jellyfish firing lightning from their tentacles and eyes which would create massive, earth-shattering explosions off of the helicopter's fusion energy shield but that was going to give way if it took any more damage.
He would have to rely on the good old fashioned way of fighting back at the jellyfish and so he mounted his great woolly mammoth and signaled it forward. This was a matter of life and death and Doctor Hogan cared about his patient.
The mammoth's giant flaming tusks burrowed into the closest jellyfish monster and it exploded with such ferocious force that Doctor Hogan was almost sent careening off into the deep abyss below. He stabled himself and had the mammoth charge once again, but this time the jellyfish were ready.
They blinded the mammoth using their powerful laser rays and twirled around until a great tornado was created that started to suck the mammoth off of the ground and send him flying. Doctor Hogan, using his unbreakable masculinity, leaped from the mammoth right before it collided into a massive jellyfish who was also caught in the tornado creating a massive explosion of sickly green and deep, ominous black. He landed precariously on a nearby jellyfish and smashed his powerful masculine fist into the creature as it let out a sickening roar.
The helicopter was now trying to get Doctor Hogan to come aboard as the jellyfish were retreating from the deadly radioactive fumes and they fired all 29 guns in such a way as to build a bullet ladder for Doctor Hogan to run up to the helicopter on.
He finally got up into the helicopter, jumping on a small 50 millimeter bullet for the last step up into the loading bay. He said in his very low, dreamy voice: "Is this the dude that you wanted me to treat?"
The helicopter's operators all nodded and the Doctor sauntered casually over to the body strapped down to the table.
"This is the wrong dude" He noted.
Click for bigger and more awesome
The moral of the story is racism I think
Hey gang so I've been sitting here working on this very difficult level of the popular and exciting puzzle game "Rush Hour" and it's been driving me insane. Seriously, I can't even remember my phone number or name or catchphrase and it's really irritating. I think I have finally hit an unfortunate wall - my brain is full.
Now I know you're going to think at me with science or some other nonsense about how that is ridiculous and impossible but I can assure you as I type right now and try to come up with thrilling and suspenseful stories about myself I am slowly forgetting important details of my childhood, like my first day of school and my favorite summertime experiences and who my siblings were.
In light of this, I decided to go downtown to Best Buy and see if the Geek Squad™ could help me download my brain onto a flash drive or something. I went in and met with a customer service representative named Randy who I apparently went to pre-school with but forgot about.
"Hey dude remember that time you stuck a crayon up my nose and I almost died?" he would say. "That was hilarious."
"No" I replied.
"Oh I see, the problem is worse than I thought" he said, looking concerned.
He grabbed a floppy disk off of his desk and said "Okay-dokey, let's see if we can backup your brain right here."
He approached confidently but became confused when he attempted to insert the floppy disk into the small of my back. He gently prodded several other areas with the floppy disk but to no avail.
Bewildered, he looked up at me and said "I think you're a human, dude."
"What!" I yelled incredulously, "how can you say such things?"
He slowly shook his head and the huge security robots dragged me down into the dungeons below. How could this have happened? I hung my head in shame.
Now I know you're going to think at me with science or some other nonsense about how that is ridiculous and impossible but I can assure you as I type right now and try to come up with thrilling and suspenseful stories about myself I am slowly forgetting important details of my childhood, like my first day of school and my favorite summertime experiences and who my siblings were.
In light of this, I decided to go downtown to Best Buy and see if the Geek Squad™ could help me download my brain onto a flash drive or something. I went in and met with a customer service representative named Randy who I apparently went to pre-school with but forgot about.
"Hey dude remember that time you stuck a crayon up my nose and I almost died?" he would say. "That was hilarious."
"No" I replied.
"Oh I see, the problem is worse than I thought" he said, looking concerned.
He grabbed a floppy disk off of his desk and said "Okay-dokey, let's see if we can backup your brain right here."
He approached confidently but became confused when he attempted to insert the floppy disk into the small of my back. He gently prodded several other areas with the floppy disk but to no avail.
Bewildered, he looked up at me and said "I think you're a human, dude."
"What!" I yelled incredulously, "how can you say such things?"
He slowly shook his head and the huge security robots dragged me down into the dungeons below. How could this have happened? I hung my head in shame.
Friday, July 9, 2010
The worst ear worm in the world
Hey team I really need your help badly today. I'm sure most of you have had the experience where a song is stuck in your head and try as you might you just cannot get it out of your head. That is a frustrating experience, I know.
Sometimes this phenomenon is coupled with the inability to recognize the song, which makes it even worse. You have this catchy tune eating away at little bits of your consciousness and you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what it is from.
I have this problem today. And yesterday, and the day before, and before, and so on and whatnot. Nearly a week now I have been plagued by this evil sound in my mind tearing at my sanity. Here's where it gets even worse though - not only can I not identify the source of the sound, it doesn't sound anything like anything I have experienced before in my entire life.
It's not a song, or a tune, or some lyrics, it's just a very short sound bite that has been on an infinite two-second loop inside my head and it's driving me stark raving mad. It doesn't sound like anything I should conceivably try to describe in words, but I need your help and so there is no other alternative.
It sounds pretty much exactly like a whale with asthma (can whales even get asthma? I must find this out) humming towards a microphone hidden behind a fan. I hope you get the picture from this.
I've tried so many things to figure out what it is. Just last night I called up my buddy Freddy Krueger and had him come into my dream to listen to the sound with me, which is pretty much playing non-stop in my dreams as well as my reality.
"Shit man," Freddy said, "I can't even begin to imagine what this is and I live in the collective imagination of pretty much everyone in the world damn. It sounds a bit like a sports car revving its engine in a wind tunnel but at the same time sounds like a seagull trapped underneath my aunt's motor home futilely attempting to play a sitar and coming to the unfortunate realization that he doesn't have thumbs."
"I know right;" I said, "although maybe it is a choir of monks who are fleeing the approaching tornado but need to complete their chant before being sucked into the vortex."
"That's an entirely reasonable conclusion." Freddy said thoughtfully, scratching his chin.
Guys seriously Freddy Krueger couldn't even help me I need your help just come on into my thoughts and we will work on this together this is going to drive me insane.
Sometimes this phenomenon is coupled with the inability to recognize the song, which makes it even worse. You have this catchy tune eating away at little bits of your consciousness and you cannot, for the life of you, figure out what it is from.
I have this problem today. And yesterday, and the day before, and before, and so on and whatnot. Nearly a week now I have been plagued by this evil sound in my mind tearing at my sanity. Here's where it gets even worse though - not only can I not identify the source of the sound, it doesn't sound anything like anything I have experienced before in my entire life.
It's not a song, or a tune, or some lyrics, it's just a very short sound bite that has been on an infinite two-second loop inside my head and it's driving me stark raving mad. It doesn't sound like anything I should conceivably try to describe in words, but I need your help and so there is no other alternative.
It sounds pretty much exactly like a whale with asthma (can whales even get asthma? I must find this out) humming towards a microphone hidden behind a fan. I hope you get the picture from this.
I've tried so many things to figure out what it is. Just last night I called up my buddy Freddy Krueger and had him come into my dream to listen to the sound with me, which is pretty much playing non-stop in my dreams as well as my reality.
"Shit man," Freddy said, "I can't even begin to imagine what this is and I live in the collective imagination of pretty much everyone in the world damn. It sounds a bit like a sports car revving its engine in a wind tunnel but at the same time sounds like a seagull trapped underneath my aunt's motor home futilely attempting to play a sitar and coming to the unfortunate realization that he doesn't have thumbs."
"I know right;" I said, "although maybe it is a choir of monks who are fleeing the approaching tornado but need to complete their chant before being sucked into the vortex."
"That's an entirely reasonable conclusion." Freddy said thoughtfully, scratching his chin.
Guys seriously Freddy Krueger couldn't even help me I need your help just come on into my thoughts and we will work on this together this is going to drive me insane.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Prisoner's Dilemma
Hey team so today I was sitting inside of a Starbucks working on my infinitely recursive screenplay about working in a Starbucks and I was having an intriguing conversation with myself.
"Hey," I said, "I've got an interesting an wonderful paradox for you."
"A most ingenious paradox?" I asked.
"Yes, a most ingenious paradox." I replied.
"But I wasn't born on a leap year"
"What?"
"Nevermind, what is your paradox?"
"Okay," I said, "if you were tasked with being on a firing squad and you had to execute a prisoner, when would you shoot?"
I thought carefully for a second. "I guess I would shoot last out of all the executioners."
I laughed. "Excellent!" I love it when people figure out my riddles. "Now why would you choose to shoot last?"
"Well, I suppose I would want to be the last person to shoot because they would most likely be dead by the time my shot burrowed into them. This helps me out, morally speaking, because I would be the least likely to have killed the prisoner."
"Exactly!" I yelled, getting even more excited. "But here comes the issue. What if all the guards know they should shoot last?"
"Well," I scratched my chin, deeply in thought, "I guess nobody would shoot at all since they would all be trying to be the last of the group to shoot the prisoner!"
"Correct once again!"
"And if that were the case the prisoner can be content knowing he will never be executed!"
"Oooh, no, no, not at all." I said in disbelief. "The prisoner will be constantly terrified with the knowledge that his death could, nay, will be imminent!"
"But wait," I said, "that can't be. We will all be vying for the golden opportunity to shoot him last. Nobody will shoot."
"Aren't you forgetting the most important element in this fine doozy of a situation? People are jerks, and the prisoner knows this! It's only a matter of time before the charade of moral responsibility is dropped and the truly horrible nature of humanity is revealed"
"Aha just like in that one book I read"
"Which book?"
"I don't know, pick one. You've got like a 50 percent chance that's the theme." I said, sipping my mocha latte supreme baha fajita in a very hip manner.
"Oh, right."
We sat in awkward silence for a few long moments. I gazed into my eyes and I could tell I was deep in thought.
"That's a helluva paradox, friend." I nodded happily, completely oblivious to the incredulous stares of every single customer at Starbucks. Clearly they were interested in my screenplay.
"Hey," I said, "I've got an interesting an wonderful paradox for you."
"A most ingenious paradox?" I asked.
"Yes, a most ingenious paradox." I replied.
"But I wasn't born on a leap year"
"What?"
"Nevermind, what is your paradox?"
"Okay," I said, "if you were tasked with being on a firing squad and you had to execute a prisoner, when would you shoot?"
I thought carefully for a second. "I guess I would shoot last out of all the executioners."
I laughed. "Excellent!" I love it when people figure out my riddles. "Now why would you choose to shoot last?"
"Well, I suppose I would want to be the last person to shoot because they would most likely be dead by the time my shot burrowed into them. This helps me out, morally speaking, because I would be the least likely to have killed the prisoner."
"Exactly!" I yelled, getting even more excited. "But here comes the issue. What if all the guards know they should shoot last?"
"Well," I scratched my chin, deeply in thought, "I guess nobody would shoot at all since they would all be trying to be the last of the group to shoot the prisoner!"
"Correct once again!"
"And if that were the case the prisoner can be content knowing he will never be executed!"
"Oooh, no, no, not at all." I said in disbelief. "The prisoner will be constantly terrified with the knowledge that his death could, nay, will be imminent!"
"But wait," I said, "that can't be. We will all be vying for the golden opportunity to shoot him last. Nobody will shoot."
"Aren't you forgetting the most important element in this fine doozy of a situation? People are jerks, and the prisoner knows this! It's only a matter of time before the charade of moral responsibility is dropped and the truly horrible nature of humanity is revealed"
"Aha just like in that one book I read"
"Which book?"
"I don't know, pick one. You've got like a 50 percent chance that's the theme." I said, sipping my mocha latte supreme baha fajita in a very hip manner.
"Oh, right."
We sat in awkward silence for a few long moments. I gazed into my eyes and I could tell I was deep in thought.
"That's a helluva paradox, friend." I nodded happily, completely oblivious to the incredulous stares of every single customer at Starbucks. Clearly they were interested in my screenplay.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Look at this existentialism I could spend hours breaking this down
Hey team life can sometimes be difficult as a robot working on an assembly line. I sometimes feel saddened by the fact that I don't seem to have any purpose in life other than to create things for others. Although it does seem to be a common theme in many sappy Christmas specials that it is better to give than to receive and that everyone feels better by making others feel better, but we autonomous limbs really need to feel loved sometimes too.
So I turned to Jeff the assembly line worker next to me who is a nice man in his 40s with 3 kids and lives a decent although blue collar life and said "Jeff, do you ever sometimes stop and wonder if you could do more with your life? Like, seriously, take everything to the next level and uproot yourself from the factory floor and go write a screenplay and live your dreams or something?"
Jeff turned to me and said "Hey I don't think you can talk"
"Oh yeah hahaha whoops I forgot" I replied and went back to my work.
So I turned to Jeff the assembly line worker next to me who is a nice man in his 40s with 3 kids and lives a decent although blue collar life and said "Jeff, do you ever sometimes stop and wonder if you could do more with your life? Like, seriously, take everything to the next level and uproot yourself from the factory floor and go write a screenplay and live your dreams or something?"
Jeff turned to me and said "Hey I don't think you can talk"
"Oh yeah hahaha whoops I forgot" I replied and went back to my work.
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