Hey team I want to talk about a very serious subject today that is often neglected by the mainstream media and I believe it is very important to look at this issue in another light. In specific, I want to talk about the plight of the lower class and crime; the two are obviously deeply intertwined and I will tell a heart-wrenching story about several people's slow descent into the heinous world of crime - not of their own volition, mind you - they simply had nowhere else to turn in this vicious and unforgiving world.
Each of them had harsh and unforgiving upbringings. The first of the group grew up in a poor foster family in the mountains. She wanted to become a nurse and help people, but that fell through as she could not attend school due to lack of funds and a lack of preparedness from inadequate schooling.
The second in our group grew up in a relatively affluent family, but his parents attempted to force an arranged marriage on him with an evil woman and he had no choice but to emancipate and leave his old life behind. He tried to make a name for himself but ended up on the streets, with nowhere to go.
The third of our group grew up on the streets, completely alone. He worked extremely hard to try to win over the heart of a young woman by spending a considerable amount of time learning and becoming more cultured. She considered him a freak and he returned to the streets, brokenhearted and defeated.
The three united under a common goal; they all wanted to become the best they possibly could and find true happiness with themselves, but their situation prevented it. They persevered and tried their very best, but it just wasn't good enough. No matter how hard they worked, they couldn't quite come to the level of those who were born into good fortune or had exceptional natural abilities. These people weren't stupid or lazy, but they simply weren't quite good enough to make it.
However, they were made an offer they couldn't refuse - an organized crime lord told them they would be able to make all their wildest dreams come true if they helped him steal from unsuspecting and undeserving targets. Each of them wanted happiness and they told themselves "one bad deed and we can make everything right afterwords".
So they tried, and they tried. Each time they were foiled by elements well outside their control. No matter how well-designed their plans or how skillfully they set up their traps, there was always someone in the way to stop them before they could steal what they needed - the one thing they needed to set them free.
They continue to persist and refuse to give up, sinking further into seedier and nastier devices to try to solve their problem. They're desperate and lost, seeking refuge only in hope.
I think that we, as a society, should try to approach these types of criminals and try to rehabilitate them. Nobody treats them nicely or fairly like they so rightfully deserve after so many years of torment.
So, if you are out there, Team Rocket, I hope you catch that Pikachu. You guys deserve it.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Bugs are terrifying
Hey team so today was a perfectly ordinary day much like any other. Clearly I had just woken up from a 6 month coma which is actually pretty typical for me. Anyhoo I was walking around and admiring the trees and the sky and the birds and the ocean and the desert and the forest. It was a lovely late spring day and I do enjoy the late part of spring because the late part of spring is just great and that may be some circular reasoning but I am not the police today so I cannot arrest myself on that charge.
So I was wandering around and all of a sudden I was ambushed by a mob of tiny little gnats. There were thousands upon millions of them, flying around and being a mild nuisance to me. This was unacceptable and I started flailing about wildly as they began to gain the upper hand on me. "Nooooooooo" I shouted, or something along those lines, "I am being defeat" and they replied "yes yes we are being the win."
Fortunately I had a brilliant plan which could not be foiled by even the toughest of aluminum. I immediately turned into a black hole and sucked in all of the gnats! They were caught completely off-guard and it was a flawless victory! I have plans to teach this self-defense class weekly at the community center for all of those people out there who are afraid of being assaulted by ruthless bug thugs it will be on Tuesday from 2-9 P.M. it is a long class but hey it takes a long time (millions of years) to turn into a black hole so you can't expect it to be an easy transition now can you.
So I was wandering around and all of a sudden I was ambushed by a mob of tiny little gnats. There were thousands upon millions of them, flying around and being a mild nuisance to me. This was unacceptable and I started flailing about wildly as they began to gain the upper hand on me. "Nooooooooo" I shouted, or something along those lines, "I am being defeat" and they replied "yes yes we are being the win."
Fortunately I had a brilliant plan which could not be foiled by even the toughest of aluminum. I immediately turned into a black hole and sucked in all of the gnats! They were caught completely off-guard and it was a flawless victory! I have plans to teach this self-defense class weekly at the community center for all of those people out there who are afraid of being assaulted by ruthless bug thugs it will be on Tuesday from 2-9 P.M. it is a long class but hey it takes a long time (millions of years) to turn into a black hole so you can't expect it to be an easy transition now can you.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Illness is for losers and the sick
Hey team so I kicked the ever-living shit out of swine flu today. I definitely got it, that's for sure. I suppose my invincible immune system was slightly tarnished by the fact that I was run over by a fast-moving car yesterday and despite being a man of steel and beating the shit out of that unsuspecting car door with my knee my knee got a considerable amount of skin torn away and he ran over my foot and cracked some of my toenails (fuck yeah man I get my foot freakin' run over and all it does is crack two of my nails? I should be fist-fighting volcanoes or superman with this power).
So obviously my body has to swarm the fuck out of those injuries and murder the hell out of the bacteria and they didn't have chance but I'm sure they were in cahoots with swine flu since it snuck in while my beastly immune system absolutely ruined those lousy bacteria. But then it's like "oh shit we got swine flu" because the amount of sickly horrible people around me somehow outgunned my perfect hygiene and my weakened immune system.
So this is living proof the swine flu is a danger, nay, a menace to society - if I, a healthy strapping 98 year old with a weakened immune system can get it, who is safe? Who is safe I ask you?
But yeah back to kicking the shit out of it. When I woke up this morning I had a grade-A, magnitude 11 headache from hell and I could tell my immune system was kicking the shit out of everything it was near. I felt groggy and horrible, I had chills, and a powerful fever. It was an uphill battle as swine flu had already taken hold and I basically sat on my ass for 3 hour staring at the ceiling. I didn't move, or do much. I had a muffin.
Then around lunch I decided enough was enough and it was time to bring in the cavalry. I got myself a huge honking block of Colby jack cheese (about 2 pounds) and at all of it in one badass sitting. That's right, I ate about 2000 calories of cheese in about a half hour but I wasn't done. I got myself some strawberry-kiwi juice and some orange juice and some V8 juice. It was time for some motherfucking vitamins. I downed them all in an instant.
I could feel that I was doing better but it wasn't time to quit. The swine flu was drowning and sinking in a tidal wave of killer vitamins in a manner I imagine was quite similar to many of those corny medication commercials about taking care of foot fungus.
So I started yelling. And I mean, yelling yelling. I screamed at the swine flu at the top of my lungs and it was cowering in the corner of my darkest location of my body. It was preparing for a counter-attack, it was time to end this.
I gathered up my battlecruisers and stationed all my siege tanks around his base. He had a tone of spore and sunken colonies left so I couldn't get too close, I had to take my time. He was sending zerglings towards my position like crazy as well as a bunch of mutalisks but they were no chance against my now invincible stronghold. He was out of crystals and vespine gas.
All of a sudden, Captain Vitamins and General Minerals came flying in with hoards of archons and zealots, reaming their ground forces. My battlecruisers move in.
It's all over! Swine flu defeated! 3 hours, no ill-effects, I'm all better. Fuck yeah.
So obviously my body has to swarm the fuck out of those injuries and murder the hell out of the bacteria and they didn't have chance but I'm sure they were in cahoots with swine flu since it snuck in while my beastly immune system absolutely ruined those lousy bacteria. But then it's like "oh shit we got swine flu" because the amount of sickly horrible people around me somehow outgunned my perfect hygiene and my weakened immune system.
So this is living proof the swine flu is a danger, nay, a menace to society - if I, a healthy strapping 98 year old with a weakened immune system can get it, who is safe? Who is safe I ask you?
But yeah back to kicking the shit out of it. When I woke up this morning I had a grade-A, magnitude 11 headache from hell and I could tell my immune system was kicking the shit out of everything it was near. I felt groggy and horrible, I had chills, and a powerful fever. It was an uphill battle as swine flu had already taken hold and I basically sat on my ass for 3 hour staring at the ceiling. I didn't move, or do much. I had a muffin.
Then around lunch I decided enough was enough and it was time to bring in the cavalry. I got myself a huge honking block of Colby jack cheese (about 2 pounds) and at all of it in one badass sitting. That's right, I ate about 2000 calories of cheese in about a half hour but I wasn't done. I got myself some strawberry-kiwi juice and some orange juice and some V8 juice. It was time for some motherfucking vitamins. I downed them all in an instant.
I could feel that I was doing better but it wasn't time to quit. The swine flu was drowning and sinking in a tidal wave of killer vitamins in a manner I imagine was quite similar to many of those corny medication commercials about taking care of foot fungus.
So I started yelling. And I mean, yelling yelling. I screamed at the swine flu at the top of my lungs and it was cowering in the corner of my darkest location of my body. It was preparing for a counter-attack, it was time to end this.
I gathered up my battlecruisers and stationed all my siege tanks around his base. He had a tone of spore and sunken colonies left so I couldn't get too close, I had to take my time. He was sending zerglings towards my position like crazy as well as a bunch of mutalisks but they were no chance against my now invincible stronghold. He was out of crystals and vespine gas.
All of a sudden, Captain Vitamins and General Minerals came flying in with hoards of archons and zealots, reaming their ground forces. My battlecruisers move in.
It's all over! Swine flu defeated! 3 hours, no ill-effects, I'm all better. Fuck yeah.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
I should probably respect Native culture or something
Greetings fellows my name is Moleké of the Rain People and I am here to pass along my story so that it will never be forgotten in the histories.
It was a night of fog and dew with the shadows dancing favorably in the mist. The elder priests of our tribe told us the day of harvest grew near and that we should prepare our ritual sacrifice to appease the Gods of the Rain. They told me, "Moléké, you must be the one to prepare our ritual meal. Go now into the forest of the Rain and return to us with the food so that the Gods do not torment our harvest."
This was a very important task; if the feast is not performed according to our strictest ancestral traditions, the Gods will unleash their horrible plague upon the country. And it was I, Mõléké, who was given this great responsibility.
However I must tell you now before I continue my sad tale that I did not succeed in my mission. As the dawn of the harvest grew near I was unable to gather enough food from the unforgiving and dangerous forest and I wept for ages as I watched my people starve and die. This is the sad story of Mõ‡éké, the last of the Rain People.
I went into the forest 72 hours before the harvest was to begin. There it was that I found our most prized game, the wandering head of lettuce. The lettuce is the most important part of our ritual salad but also one of the most dangerous to hunt. I, MÕ¦ék¥é, am a skilled hunter and warrior but I have not often tamed wild lettuce.
It was a small herd but a formidable one with many sentries and powerful nodes to alarm the entire herd of any approaching danger. I used my training to the fullest extent but the slightest ruffle of leaves from my approach sent them scattering and klaxons blared across the forest louder than the greatest drums of my people.
I was ashamed that I could not catch the lettuce. It was required for our rituals and the great ceremony and feast but I could not even catch a single head of the wild beast. I hung my head low in disappointment and saw several stems of broccoli growing from the forest floor.
Now broccoli is not a traditional part of the great feast but the Gods would not know the difference. Broccoli, being one of the least intelligent and dim-witted of all the wild beasts in the forest, would not require as precise and delicate hands as lettuce or the wily tomatoes.
In hunting tradition, I, Andrew, very quickly set up a hammock to indicate the ease at which I felt I could capture the animal. I then sped after the broccoli in hot pursuit across the swamp. I pursued a small crowd and finally, after several hours of life's most dangerous game, I corned the wild creatures in the small of a tree. I scooped them into my pouch of bear skin and hollered triumphantly.
However, the Gods were not happy with our sacrifice. The harvest came and went, but everything we touched turned rotten and fell off of the stems. Great globs of beef lay strew across the land rotting as my people stared out and wept. It was a time of great sorrow.
I, Moe, was exiled back into the horrible jungle for failing to appease the Gods. That is where I still live. However, the Gods decreed that I was never to perish and that I, Sancho, should watch the torments of my people for all eternity as they starved and died in many horrible ways.
That is my story. I was Moleké of the Rain People, I am now simply Moleké, the exile of a great people I once served.
It was a night of fog and dew with the shadows dancing favorably in the mist. The elder priests of our tribe told us the day of harvest grew near and that we should prepare our ritual sacrifice to appease the Gods of the Rain. They told me, "Moléké, you must be the one to prepare our ritual meal. Go now into the forest of the Rain and return to us with the food so that the Gods do not torment our harvest."
This was a very important task; if the feast is not performed according to our strictest ancestral traditions, the Gods will unleash their horrible plague upon the country. And it was I, Mõléké, who was given this great responsibility.
However I must tell you now before I continue my sad tale that I did not succeed in my mission. As the dawn of the harvest grew near I was unable to gather enough food from the unforgiving and dangerous forest and I wept for ages as I watched my people starve and die. This is the sad story of Mõ‡éké, the last of the Rain People.
I went into the forest 72 hours before the harvest was to begin. There it was that I found our most prized game, the wandering head of lettuce. The lettuce is the most important part of our ritual salad but also one of the most dangerous to hunt. I, MÕ¦ék¥é, am a skilled hunter and warrior but I have not often tamed wild lettuce.
It was a small herd but a formidable one with many sentries and powerful nodes to alarm the entire herd of any approaching danger. I used my training to the fullest extent but the slightest ruffle of leaves from my approach sent them scattering and klaxons blared across the forest louder than the greatest drums of my people.
I was ashamed that I could not catch the lettuce. It was required for our rituals and the great ceremony and feast but I could not even catch a single head of the wild beast. I hung my head low in disappointment and saw several stems of broccoli growing from the forest floor.
Now broccoli is not a traditional part of the great feast but the Gods would not know the difference. Broccoli, being one of the least intelligent and dim-witted of all the wild beasts in the forest, would not require as precise and delicate hands as lettuce or the wily tomatoes.
In hunting tradition, I, Andrew, very quickly set up a hammock to indicate the ease at which I felt I could capture the animal. I then sped after the broccoli in hot pursuit across the swamp. I pursued a small crowd and finally, after several hours of life's most dangerous game, I corned the wild creatures in the small of a tree. I scooped them into my pouch of bear skin and hollered triumphantly.
However, the Gods were not happy with our sacrifice. The harvest came and went, but everything we touched turned rotten and fell off of the stems. Great globs of beef lay strew across the land rotting as my people stared out and wept. It was a time of great sorrow.
I, Moe, was exiled back into the horrible jungle for failing to appease the Gods. That is where I still live. However, the Gods decreed that I was never to perish and that I, Sancho, should watch the torments of my people for all eternity as they starved and died in many horrible ways.
That is my story. I was Moleké of the Rain People, I am now simply Moleké, the exile of a great people I once served.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Guys you are not going to believe this
Hey team so I was sitting with one of my homies and eating dinner, right? We are eating at a fast food establishment of unknown quality and origins and I didn't order all that much because for lunch I had a coupon for two Quiznos sandwiches for the price of one and gobbled down two large ham and Swisses because they were delicious.
So anyway back to my previous example. We are eating and my homie has a lot of food to eat and he is munching his way along and I am munching my way along munch munch munch munch chomp chomp chomp chomp yum yum yum chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp munch yum chomp yum munch chomp repeat. He gets up and says "I'll be right back" with no indication as to where he might be going or what he might be doing.
I finish my food and sit back satisfied as my arteries slowly harden into a greasy muck and start screaming for mercy. "Ow lawdy," they say, "whay you done gone ate that food?" They say. I ignore my arteries.
15 minutes pass. My friend is still not back. Where the hell did he go?
I am perplexed. I get up, throw my food away, and start looking around. He's not in the main dining area, it's just one room and not hard to scan quickly. I go outside. Nope, not in the parking lot. I go inside and check the bathroom. Both stalls are open, one guy is at a urinal. I do my business, then leave. I check the main dining area again.
He's gone! Vanished into thin fucking air. Oh well, no loss.
So I just went on home. I don't know what happened to him. I think I will call the milk company and get his picture up on their cartons.
So anyway back to my previous example. We are eating and my homie has a lot of food to eat and he is munching his way along and I am munching my way along munch munch munch munch chomp chomp chomp chomp yum yum yum chomp chomp chomp chomp chomp munch yum chomp yum munch chomp repeat. He gets up and says "I'll be right back" with no indication as to where he might be going or what he might be doing.
I finish my food and sit back satisfied as my arteries slowly harden into a greasy muck and start screaming for mercy. "Ow lawdy," they say, "whay you done gone ate that food?" They say. I ignore my arteries.
15 minutes pass. My friend is still not back. Where the hell did he go?
I am perplexed. I get up, throw my food away, and start looking around. He's not in the main dining area, it's just one room and not hard to scan quickly. I go outside. Nope, not in the parking lot. I go inside and check the bathroom. Both stalls are open, one guy is at a urinal. I do my business, then leave. I check the main dining area again.
He's gone! Vanished into thin fucking air. Oh well, no loss.
So I just went on home. I don't know what happened to him. I think I will call the milk company and get his picture up on their cartons.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your goddamn teeth
Hey team so last night I was minding my own business brushing my teeth like I always do because only rapists and serial killers don't brush their teeth. So anyway I was following my usual routine - I squeezed some toothpaste out on the brush, right, then put the brush gingerly down on the counter while I put the cap back on the toothpaste.
FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it while, at the same time, knocking over my toothbrush and getting a big glob of blue watery muck on the counter. Just fantastic. So I clean all of that up and try again.
I did my normal routine again but this time the cap was much too slippery and FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it but forget I am holding a toothbrush and it drops dramatically and horribly to the floor.
"Why did you do that Cavity Goon?" I asked him
"I was trying to destroy Atlantis" he replied
"Oh no I forgot" and then I turned and yelled to my roommate "hey why do we have a magic bathroom floor that seems really inconvenient maybe like a table or something on your desk"
And God replied "whoops my bad bro"
FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it while, at the same time, knocking over my toothbrush and getting a big glob of blue watery muck on the counter. Just fantastic. So I clean all of that up and try again.
I did my normal routine again but this time the cap was much too slippery and FUCK I DROPPED THE CAP and it goes swirling into the sink and I try to grab it but forget I am holding a toothbrush and it drops dramatically and horribly to the floor.
"Why did you do that Cavity Goon?" I asked him
"I was trying to destroy Atlantis" he replied
"Oh no I forgot" and then I turned and yelled to my roommate "hey why do we have a magic bathroom floor that seems really inconvenient maybe like a table or something on your desk"
And God replied "whoops my bad bro"
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
It is time for the secrets about time travel to come out
Hey team sorry I haven't updated in a week but you must understand I've been busy traveling through time so for me it's been almost 3 years and you would think I would write something during that time but no.
Anyway yes it is time for the secrets to come out. No more conspiracy theories and idiots on youtube giving their suggestions about how it would cause a "paradocks" because you would change things and then they wouldn't be changed in reality but it is or then maybe they'll quote some TV show to show how much they know about time travel. As a certifiable time traveler myself I am the utmost authority on the subject except for J.K. Rowling who very nearly gave away our secrets which is why all the characters had plot convienent amnesia about that stupid hourglass thing because us time travelers gave her a piece of our mind (why we didn't go back and change the book, I'll never know)
But yes back to time travel. We are still not sure what causes it, or, moreinasmuch, why some people have the innate ability to time travel. There is no such thing as a time travel machine, it will never work no matter how many flux capacitors you shove into there. Believe me, we tried and get this - Ikea wouldn't even refund our money.
It's really a pretty pleasant experience to travel through time. It's pretty much exactly like flying in first class on any major airlines, although I suppose that is not a good analogy because you would be too poor to understand it. Think of it this way. It's like you're out working in the field and your boss comes around and sprays you with a hose so you cool down. Wouldn't that just be the best, 1930s era migrant worker?
One of my favorite hobbies as a time traveler is to go back in time and teach people from all periods of time to mix cement and build roads. So far we are doing just okay, but eventually my antics will continue to spawn impassably complex cities filled completely with streets that criss-cross randomly, stop at bizarre locations, or even are up in the air! It'd be like everywhere was Boston.
Most people are wrong about how time travel could impact the present. You can do whatever the hell you want and nothing really gets screwed up. I mean, just last week I took a trip to England in 1066 and punched William of Normandy right in the face. He was so pissed off but I just disappeared back to my present time and nothing had changed other than the fact that both of my parents are now volcanoes.
When you hang around the time-traveler's club, though, they give you Time'b'rite, which is a marvelous spray cleaner that reverses any ill-effects of your fun. It's a simple compound of Lysol and antimatter that really gets the job done. I just sprayed a couple times on my new volcano parents and BOOM the sun exploded. It sometimes takes a couple of tries. So for those of you who were awake last week at 5:32 am I'm sorry I scared you.
The time-traveler's club is a lot like any other really nice exclusive country club. We have our own golf course, but it's pretty pointless since everyone gets a perfect 18 on it every time anyway. We like to take mass trips and show up in strange eras as tourists with ugly pants and fanny packs and cameras taking pictures of all the astounded Greek philosophers and dinosaurs. Unfortunately, this backfired slightly on us when we single-handedly caused the fashion vortex of the 1980s.
We are behind every UFO sighting ever. Bigfoot was simply Andy running across a big, open field and several forested areas with Bigfoot on a leash from when we brought him back as a souvenir (just as a bit of a heads up, don't stay alive longer than 2058 - it's not pretty).
Hmm... I think that about wraps it up. There's really not much more to time travel than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this blog post the same way Bill Nye ended every single one of his shows.
Anyway yes it is time for the secrets to come out. No more conspiracy theories and idiots on youtube giving their suggestions about how it would cause a "paradocks" because you would change things and then they wouldn't be changed in reality but it is or then maybe they'll quote some TV show to show how much they know about time travel. As a certifiable time traveler myself I am the utmost authority on the subject except for J.K. Rowling who very nearly gave away our secrets which is why all the characters had plot convienent amnesia about that stupid hourglass thing because us time travelers gave her a piece of our mind (why we didn't go back and change the book, I'll never know)
But yes back to time travel. We are still not sure what causes it, or, moreinasmuch, why some people have the innate ability to time travel. There is no such thing as a time travel machine, it will never work no matter how many flux capacitors you shove into there. Believe me, we tried and get this - Ikea wouldn't even refund our money.
It's really a pretty pleasant experience to travel through time. It's pretty much exactly like flying in first class on any major airlines, although I suppose that is not a good analogy because you would be too poor to understand it. Think of it this way. It's like you're out working in the field and your boss comes around and sprays you with a hose so you cool down. Wouldn't that just be the best, 1930s era migrant worker?
One of my favorite hobbies as a time traveler is to go back in time and teach people from all periods of time to mix cement and build roads. So far we are doing just okay, but eventually my antics will continue to spawn impassably complex cities filled completely with streets that criss-cross randomly, stop at bizarre locations, or even are up in the air! It'd be like everywhere was Boston.
Most people are wrong about how time travel could impact the present. You can do whatever the hell you want and nothing really gets screwed up. I mean, just last week I took a trip to England in 1066 and punched William of Normandy right in the face. He was so pissed off but I just disappeared back to my present time and nothing had changed other than the fact that both of my parents are now volcanoes.
When you hang around the time-traveler's club, though, they give you Time'b'rite, which is a marvelous spray cleaner that reverses any ill-effects of your fun. It's a simple compound of Lysol and antimatter that really gets the job done. I just sprayed a couple times on my new volcano parents and BOOM the sun exploded. It sometimes takes a couple of tries. So for those of you who were awake last week at 5:32 am I'm sorry I scared you.
The time-traveler's club is a lot like any other really nice exclusive country club. We have our own golf course, but it's pretty pointless since everyone gets a perfect 18 on it every time anyway. We like to take mass trips and show up in strange eras as tourists with ugly pants and fanny packs and cameras taking pictures of all the astounded Greek philosophers and dinosaurs. Unfortunately, this backfired slightly on us when we single-handedly caused the fashion vortex of the 1980s.
We are behind every UFO sighting ever. Bigfoot was simply Andy running across a big, open field and several forested areas with Bigfoot on a leash from when we brought him back as a souvenir (just as a bit of a heads up, don't stay alive longer than 2058 - it's not pretty).
Hmm... I think that about wraps it up. There's really not much more to time travel than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this blog post the same way Bill Nye ended every single one of his shows.
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